Harry Potter and Artemis Fowl One shots
by Juliegirl22
Summary: Collection of one shots, some involving Harry Potter and/orArtemis Fowl. Most of them will be funny. Up now: Angeline's depression, Ron and Hermione go to therapy, Artemis's gets attacked by rabid fangirls. Both gangs are in a terrible preschool. Artemis almost dies because of his archnemisis, LOLLIPOPS! Next, Artemis is Austin Powers!
1. Chapter 1

**Angeline Fowl: Hope In the Blackness**

**This is a one shot of how I think Angeline would have dealt with things when Artemis Fowl was missing for three years during the Last Guardian. She went into a depression after her husband went missing and I figured she would have again when Artemis was missing. With the part at the very end, I know it's a little out of character for Mr. Fowl, but I just had to do it. :)**

Angeline Fowl lay in her bed, the covers drawn up. The curtains were closed, so the room was shrouded in darkness. That was how she liked it.

Her son was missing. He was gone. Her husband had come back and now there only son was gone. It was like fate decided she could only have one of the two most important men in her life. She got her husband back in exchange for losing her son.

"Arty," she mumbled to herself.

Butler had gone crazy, talking about demons and fairies and other nonsense. He had failed in keeping his principle safe and had gone completely bonkers. Juliet looked after the mansion and Mr. and Mrs. Fowl now.

What would she do without their only son? He'd been gone two weeks now and Mr. Fowl had been searching and using old contacts to try and find him, but no luck. Angeline had tried to stay strong during the first week, trying to believe he would be found soon. But no luck. Angeline felt herself sinking again into the blackness of despair and depression and closed herself up in the room.

Juliet came in with a tray of food, some water, and her pills.

"Do you need anything else Mrs. Fowl?" asked Juliet, kindly.

"No," said Angeline. "Just-go, please."

Juliet left, shutting the door quietly.

Angeline sat looking at the food tray. Grilled chicken with broccoli in cheese sauce and a baked potato, complete with all the trimmings. She wasn't hungry.

Mr. Fowl came in, and shut the door. He went to his wife on the bed and sat down.

"Honey, won't you come down and eat with us?" he asked.

Angeline shook her head.

"Angeline, we'll find him," said Mr. Fowl. "I know we will. You can't give up. I hate seeing you like this."

"I just want my son," said Angeline, tears coming to her eyes.$

"Would you come down, just for a little bit?" asked Mr. Fowl. "Maybe watch some TV with me?"

"No," said Angeline. She reached for her water and took the sleeping pills, wanting the release sleep could bring.

But even sleeping had its disadvantages. She was haunted by dreams all night of searching through a dark maze. She could heart Artemis calling her, but no matter which way she turned, where she looked, she couldn't find him.

A few days passed and whenever Angeline tried to eat something, she would feel sick and throw it up. Mr. Fowl wanted to call the doctor, but she refused to see one.

A few more days and she had a few small cramps and her breasts felt tender. Damned period coming on…

But the days passed and her period was late. Her breasts were tender and seemed a little swollen. She felt sick all the time and could barely eat, despite Mr. Fowl tempting her crackers and other gentle foods. She slept a lot.

Four and a half weeks after Artemis had gone missing, she got up to go the bathroom and realized her period was really late. She almost didn't care, but something made her stop and think. She dug through the medicine cabinet and found what she was looking for. She sat on the toilet and peed on an object and looked at her watch. Three minutes…

Three minutes later, she took a deep breath and looked at the pregnancy test.

Two pink lines.

Her stomach jolted a bit. She was pregnant?

Her hand shook as she threw the test away and she washed her hands in the sink and looked at herself in the mirror. She was pregnant. After years and years, with only Artemis, she didn't think…

She couldn't have a baby in the state she was in. She would have to get herself back to normal, stop wallowing in despair. There was a spark of hope. The baby would need her. It was a little being, completely dependent on others for its needs. She had already done that to Artemis when her husband had gone missing. She had closed herself off the from the world, leaving Artemis in the care of Butler. She couldn't do that to the child growing in her belly.

She took a shower and got dressed and went downstairs for the first time in ages. She found her husband in his office, looking at emails, with reply's from his contacts, none who had info on Artemis.

"Angeline," he breathed, shocked at seeing her out.

"Hi, honey," she said, going to him.

"You're up," said Mr. Fowl. Angeline sat on his lap.

"Honey, I've got something to tell you," she said.

"What?"

"I'm pregnant."

Mr. Fowl looked blank for a moment, then shocked. "But-I-are you sure?"

"Yes," said Angeline. "I had some symptoms like from when I was pregnant with Artemis, and I took a test and it says I am."

"Oh my goodness, honey," said Mr. Fowl, a smile breaking out on his face. It was the first time he'd smiled since Artemis had gone missing and Butler started spouting stories of demons and fairies. "That's wonderful!"

Mr. Fowl still of course kept trying to find his son. But there was a spark of hope now. Finding out that she was pregnant had gotten Angeline out of her depression. She still missed her son terribly and hoped he would be found soon.

Mr. Fowl accompanied his wife to the doctor to have an ultra sound done. The doctor put the gel on her belly and ran the wand over it.

"Now, we can here the heartbeat and see the little guy on the screen," she said pointing.

After a minute, she spoke. "Oh my, there appear to be two heartbeats."

"What?" asked Angeline and Mr. Fowl in unison.

"Congratulations," said the doctor. "You're having twins."

Mr. Fowl fainted dead on the floor.


	2. Ron and Hermione: Couples therapy

**Ron and Hermione: Couples Therapy**

**Originally, I had these posted before, but there was a problem. It was supposed to be a crossover, but it wasn't listed as that and it ended up in the wrong area. I wasn't able to change it. There was some kind of bug that wouldn't let me post new stories or change anything in my stories, except add chapters. So I took it down, and I had to email Fanfiction, and ask them to fix the problem and they finally fixed it, so now I'm able to upload new stories and put this collection under the crossover section where it belongs.**

**So this is what I think it would be like if Ron and Hermione went to couples therapy to try and patch these up (if things in their relationship got rocky).**

Ron and Hermione entered into the room where the therapist was waiting for them.

"Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, "said the therapist, Dr. Renway. "I hear you two have some issues you'd like to resolve. How does that make you feel?"

Hermione narrowed her eyes. "We haven't even told you anything yet."

"Ah, yes, well someone begin," said Dr. Renway.

"Hermione constantly nags me!" began Ron.

"Uh huh," said Dr. Renway scribbling something on his notepad.

"I do not constantly nag!" snapped Hermione. "You just can't do anything right!"

"Look at this!" said Ron, pointing at his wife. "This is what I've had to deal with for the past two years!"

"How does that make you feel?" asked Dr. Renway.

"Angry," said Ron.

Hermione straightened up in her chair. "You can barely do spells properly; I always have to correct you!"

"Maybe I don't need correcting," said Ron. "Do you know how annoying it is to have someone hovering over my shoulder, correcting my wand posture and how I'm saying the spell?"

"You still can't do a proper Wingardium Leviosa spell!" said Hermione.

"I did that one time when that troll was attacking you!"

"And that was the last time!" Hermione huffed. "Dr. Renway, he can't even kill a spider!"

Ron gulped. "You know I feel about those."

"Tell me about the spiders," said Dr. Renway, scribbling on his notepad. Ron and Hermione thought he was writing down important things, but he was really drawing batman doodles.

"I was going to take a shower the other night and there was a spider in the bathroom," said Hermione. "I asked him to kill it so I didn't have to run around the bathroom naked chasing after it."

"Tell me more," said Dr. Renway.

"Well, he looked at it and ran away screaming like a little girl, asking why it couldn't be a butterflies instead," said Hermione.

"Tell me more about the naked part," said Dr. Renway.

Hermione glared at him.

"Well, she gets all offended over the smallest things," said Ron. "I bought her some stuff so she could smooth down that frizzy hair and she gets mad and cries and say's I bought it because I don't think she's pretty anymore."

"You never complained about my hair before!"

"You complain about it all the time and then when I buy something for it, you get offended!" said Ron.

Dr. Renway drew the Joker getting his face smashed in by Batman. Catwoman was behind him and had Hermione's face. "Uh huh."

"And he calls his mother every day," said Hermione. "Ever since his father got a telephone in their house, Ron has to talk to his _mummy _every day."

"She'll send me Howlers if I don't!" said Ron, sticking his bottom lip out.

"And his father calls almost as much!" exclaimed Hermione. "All times of day to ask the most ridiculous questions, like how does a rubber duck work? Why doesn't the operator want to chat about her day? Why doesn't-"

"I'm more likely to know because I'm married to someone who grew up as a Muggle!" said Ron.

"And how does that make you feel?" asked Dr. Renway, drawing Batman getting it on with Catwoman.

"Uh, I'm fine with that," said Ron. "I don't really care if she grew up a Muggle."

"And how does that make you feel?" droned Dr. Renway.

"That doesn't even make sense!"

"And of course, he has to tell Mummy about his frightful encounter with the horrific spider in the bathroom, like it was Aragog or something," continued Hermione. "And I'm the one who had to kill it!"

"Uh huh," intoned Dr. Renway. "Well, that's all the time we have."

"You haven't helped us at all!" said Ron.

Hermione snatched the notepad from Dr. Renway. "You've been drawing batman the whole  
time! Batman with your face, I see. Why does Catwoman look like me?"

Dr. Renway snatched it back. "Listen, you should be going now, I have other patients to see. Same time next week?"

"Yeah, sure whatever," grumbled Hermione as they left.

An assistant popped her head in. "Neville Longbottom is here to see you about his addiction."

Neville came in and began to explain to Dr. Renway about is problem.

"Well, you see, I still live with my Gran, and she found my HUGE porno collection…"

**Hope it was good! Review! **


	3. Harry and the Weasleys go to Burger King

** Harry Takes the Weasleys to Burger King**

** Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Burger King. I've never even worked at Burger King.**

** This is sometime before the Seventh book. You'll probably recognize the finger and chicken head part and I think they happened at other restaurants, not BK, but it's just a story. :)**

It was a late morning at the Weasley house, and Harry was staying over. They had gotten up late and everyone was hungry.

"Why don't we get some fast food, so Mrs. Weasley doesn't have to cook for all of us?"  
asked Harry.

"Fast food?" asked Ron. "But Mum's cooking is awesome!"

"She cooks for you lot every day, three times a day," said Harry. "Let's give her a break."

Everyone agreed and wanted to try this place Harry called "Burger King". It sounded grand and fancy. Everyone piled into the new car Mr. Weasley had and they drove off. Mr. Weasley wanted to make the car invisible and have them fly there, but his wife said no.

"I told you to stop messing with the Muggle stuff and bewitching it!" she said. "Remember what happened to the last car?"

When they pulled up to the place that Harry directed them too, it didn't look that grand and fancy.

"Now we just go inside and tell them what we want and they make it," said Harry.

They went inside and waited in line while the people ahead of them ordered. The drive thru was packed and workers rushed around, trying to get food ready. A customer was at the window, shouting that they needed straws and more ketchup.

The Weasleys looked at the menu and weren't sure what to order, there was so much stuff. Double cheeseburgers, chicken nuggets, milk shakes, onion rings, chicken fries, plus something called a Whopper.

Finally it was there turn to order, and they shuffled up to the register. Harry ordered a medium whopper meal with French fries. The others took turns ordering.

"What's a Whopper?" asked Mr. Weasley.

The cashier looked at him like he was an idiot. "Um, a really big burger, hence the name Whopper."

The Weasley twins befuddled the cashier.

"So you wanted a chocolate milk shake right?" she asked, looking at George.

"No! I did!" exclaimed Fred.

"Oh, right, and you also had a nine piece chicken fry, right?"

"No, that was me!" said George.

The cashier turned around for a second when a worker bumped past her and the twins quickly switched places. The cashier turned back to what she thought was George.

"So a nine piece?"

"No, I wanted the nine piece!" said the other twin.

By the time the twins got through ordering, the cashier was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Ginny ordered fries and nuggets and made the cashier rattle off the names of all the sauces twice before she picked what she wanted.

When everyone was finally done, they had to wait ages for the food to be made and they finally sat down in a huge booth in the back. Fred and George got up and to get their drinks from the fountain and secretly bewitched the machines to put out the wrong drink. A portly man waddled up to the machine, his tray carrying two whoppers and a large fry, plus a large chocolate shake. He complained loudly that the Diet Coke nozzle was squirting out strawberry Fanta instead. The twins snickered quietly and headed back to the booth.

Mrs. Weasley squeezed her cheeseburger too hard and ketchup squirted onto her shirt. Mr. Weasley said his onion rings were more breading than onion. Ginny found a breaded chicken head in her nuggets and Ron found a human finger in his fries.

They took their food back up to complain. Fred and George scarfed down their food and ran to the men room.

"My burger is all rubbery," said Percy.

"My fries are cold," said Harry.

"Is there supposed to be little crunchy chunks in my vanilla shake?" asked Mrs. Weasley.

"This is got to be a heart attack in a bun," said Mr. Weasley looking at the grease oozing from his half finished Whopper.

They finally decided to leave when they heard an explosion sound from the men's room. The twins rushed out to the car, with toilet seats hanging around their necks. George had a third tucked under his arm.

"Filibuster fireworks down a toilet work wonders," said Fred, sitting on one side of Ginny. Ginny was mad, because despite her finding a chicken head in her nuggets, and Ron finding a finger in his fries, the manager said it was not their responsibility if odd human or animal parts made it into the food. They had each gotten a five dollar gift card for their trouble.

"Here, have a Burger King toilet seat," said George, handing the third to Ginny.

"Um, thanks," said Ginny, wondering what the brown smear on the back was.

They drove home, Harry apologizing for suggesting Burger King and Mrs. Weasley ranting.

"I can't believe they only gave Ron and Ginny five dollar gift cards!" she squawked. She looked in the rearview mirror, and noticed the twins wearing U shaped toilet seats around their necks. "What is that?"

"Necklaces, mum," said George, proudly.

**Hope you liked it! **


	4. Golden Days Nursing Home

**Golden Days Nursing Home**

**This is some of the Harry Potter and Artemis Fowl characters if they were really old and in a nursing home.**

Harry and Ginny's children left the front garden of the nursing home, waving goodbyes over their shoulders, heading to the car.

"Don't spend that dollar all in the one place!" Harry shouted after them, adjusting his glasses. Ginny shuffled off to the building, to get her meds from the nurse's station.

Hermione brushed her gray hair out of her face with a wrinkled hand. "Harry, you can't buy anything with a dollar nowadays. And they live in the wizard world, they don't use Muggle money."

Harry squinted and shifted in his wheelchair. "Oh, yeah."

Ron sat in his wheelchair, fiddling with his wand. "When we were kids, you could get a gumball out of a machine for a sickle…or was it a Galleon?"

"It was fifty cents in the Muggle world," said Hermione, pulling her knitting out a bag hanging off the wheelchair. She began to finish the pair of baby booties she was making for her great grandchildren. "And put your wand away. We don't want a nurse to see that."

Ron frowned and put it away. "Yes, dear."

A nurse came pushing a wheelchair followed by another elderly person wheeling himself along.

"I can get someone to help you," said the nurse, pushing the first.

The man in the second sighed. "Ma'am, I am not a complete invalid yet, and, despite my skinny, wrinkled exterior, I am quite capable, thank you."

The nurse set the first chair next to Ron's and put the wheel brakes on. The second person wheeled himself up. He had black hair with a lot of gray streaks in it and blue eyes and was wearing a black Armani suit. The first person was a mountain of a man, despite being so old. He was bald with a shiny head and he was snoring gently.

The nurse walked off.

"Hi," said Hermione. "I'm Hermione, and this is Ron and Harry."

"Hello," said the blue eyed individual. "My name is Artemis Fowl, and this is my bodyguard, Butler."

Butler looked positively ancient, like he was about to turn to dust and blow away any second. At the mention of his name, his head jerked up.

"What? What's wrong, Artemis?" he grunted, pulling a Sig Sauer from a hidden compartment in the armrest of his chair.

Hermione squealed at the sight of the gun and brandished her knitting needles. "Put that away!" she hissed. "Before you shoot someone!"

"Calm down, old friend," said Artemis. "Were in a nursing home, I don't think anybody is going to try and kill me here."

Butler snorted and put the gun away. "You never know. I saw that old lady at breakfast staring at you. Trained assassins are where you least expect. It doesn't take much: poison slipped into your Ensure drink, a razor blade in your mashed peas, an expertly thrown, poisoned tipped spork-"

Artemis sighed.

An old lady in a designer granny gown came up to them, using a walker. Her green eye shadow glinted in the afternoon sunlight and she had a pink streak through her white hair. "There you are; Butler and Artemis. Bingo starts in twenty minutes."

"Juliet, I hate Bingo," said Butler.

"Aw, come on, it's fun," said Juliet, sitting on a bench. She took a compact from her pocket and checked her makeup.

"I'll be skipping it," said Artemis. "I have to go put on my arthritis cream, call Holly, and then I'll be reading that book on quantum physics that Myles got me. And then I'll be working on plans for my time machine. I wonder if the nurses will let me have Plutonium delivered here."

"I'm going," said Juliet, touching up her eye shadow. "That young male nurse from breakfast seems to be really into me. He'll be there."

Artemis rolled his eyes and pulled his cell phone out and began texting someone. "Juliet, all he did was ask if you wanted vanilla or chocolate Ensure."

"But it was the look in his eyes," said Juliet, shutting her compact. "And later, when he brought me my Metamucil…" She sighed. "I think he's in love with me."

"You're a cougar," said Harry, trying to comb some hairs over to hide his bald spot.

"I don't think some thirty year old nurse is going to be interested in anybody like us," said Hermione, while her knitting needles clacked away. "Were all old and wrinkly. Nobody's interested."

"I still am," said Ron, reaching over and grabbing her boob through her sweater. "Honk honk."

Hermione blushed and swiped at him. "Stop it!"

"But I'm your husband," said Ron.

"Not in public!" said Hermione.

"Where did you go last night?" asked Harry. Harry and Ron shared a room. "You snuck out last night around nine o clock."

"Had to sneak past the nurse's station to give my wife some luvin'," said Ron, sitting up a little straighter. "Yeah, I still got it."

"You never even got into my bed," said Hermione. "You rolled up to the side of my bed and then fell asleep in your wheelchair."

Juliet giggled. "Usually men don't fall asleep until after."

Harry sighed and ran a hand through his messy white hair. "I wish I didn't ask."

Ron grumbled to himself and took off his glasses to clean them. "You know back in my day, I was a tough, strong guy. Killed that basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets with my bare heads, yes I did."

"Harry killed the basilisk," said Hermione. "Not you."

"What?" asked Ron. "That was me!"

"Ron, you're a little senile," said Harry. "I did that. You weren't even there; you got stuck behind the cave in with Lockhart. I killed the big snake and saved Ginny, with help from Dumbledore's bird."

"It was me!" said Ron, putting his glasses on. He adjusted his dentures. "Are you calling me a liar?"

"Now, Ron-" began Hermione.

"How dare you try to take the glory for yourself!" said Ron, grabbing his cane from the back of his chair. "I'll beat the crap right out of your Depends diaper."

"I'd like to see you try!" said Harry, grabbing his own cane. "I'll knock your dentures clear across the garden!"

"Fight! Fight! Fight!" said Juliet. "This is like a grudge match."

Ron and Harry shakily got out of there wheelchairs and hobbled a few steps toward each other.

"Teach you to call me a liar!" said Ron, lifting his cane. He whacked Harry with his cane. A fly could have hit harder.

Harry bopped Ron on the head. "Sit back down before I beat you up!"

"Stop it, both of you," said Hermione.

Juliet cheered them on. Butler was snoring again, his head drooping. Artemis flicked his eyes up at them and then back down to his cell phone and then sighed.

"Could you both stop, before you break something?" asked Artemis.

"Who asked you?" Ron turned around and waved his cane. "Who are you to come over here with your fancy shiny wheelchair and tell us what to do?"

He swiped his cane at Artemis. Butler woke up at that instant and saw his charge was in danger. With an old man roar, he rose out of his wheelchair and brandished his own cane. Then he charged at Ron.

Or rather he took mincing old man steps until he cleared the three foot distance between them. Ron found himself being lifted into the air and waved his arms frantically, trying to swipe with his cane. His gripped loosened and it went flying through the air. Juliet caught it one handed with her gnarled fingers.

"Yay, go Butler!" she shouted, stomping her feet, clad in Gucci slippers.

Butler roared again and threw Ron. Ron screamed like an old lady and as he flew through the air.

He landed two feet away in a thick bush.

"Stop it!" said Hermione.

"This is our fight," said Harry, glaring at Butler. "Butt out!"

Ron crawled out shakily and managed to get up. "You think you're so tough, big man!"

"Go back to sleep," said Harry, poking Butler in the chest with his cane.

Butler grabbed the cane and snapped it half.

It was war.

The three old men began whacking and hitting each other. Broken cane bits flew the air. Harry's glasses got broken in the middle. Ron's dentures popped out and landed in Hermione's lap. Hermione yelled angrily and threw her knitting needles at them. A powder blue baby bootie flew after them. Harry's bald spot grew bigger when a handful of hair got pulled out. Hermione threw the dentures at them and they popped Butler right in the forehead. Juliet was cheering her brother on and waving her walker through the air. Artemis was trying to use his cane to poke at the old men, telling them to break it up, before they lost their shuffleboard privileges.

The three old guys were so busy fighting, they didn't notice when Butler bumped Hermione's wheelchair. The wheel brakes were not on and it began to roll downhill on the walkway. Hermione screeched as she flew toward the other end of the garden, heading for a thick clump of bushes by the building.

Harry went down with a cry of "my hip!" and Ron and Butler were rolling on the ground. A nurse rushed over and broke them up.

"What is this?" she asked, helping Harry up, who turned out to be okay.

"He called me a liar!" said Ron.

"He tried to hurt Artemis!" said Butler, pointing at Ron.

"He threatened to beat the crap out of my diaper!" said Harry, pointing at Ron.

"All of you need to stop," said the nurse. "No shuffleboard for any of you."

"I hate shuffleboard," said Butler settling in his wheelchair. A second later, he had nodded off.

"Now, you all are going to go inside and play bingo, and try to get along," said the nurse.

"Woohoo!" shouted Juliet getting up. "I'm going to see my man!" She patted her hair to make sure it was in place and straightened her Prada granny gown. Using her walker, she shuffled to the building with surprising speed.

"I'll be going to my room," said Artemis, putting his phone away.

"No, you're not," said the nurse. "You're going to be sociable and play bingo with everyone else. You can make lots of friends."

"Sheesh, you sound like mother, bless her soul," said Artemis.

Ginny hobbled out the building with her cane, a few strands of red glinting in her silver hair, which was pulled into a bun. "Harry! Get in here! Bingo is starting!"

"Yes, dear," said Harry, wheeling himself toward her. Everyone followed and the nurse pushed Butler, who was snoring now.

"Wasn't there another woman out here?" the nurse mumbled to herself. "Guess not."

A few minutes later, they were in the dining room, playing bingo. Artemis was texting Myles under the table to bring him some plutonium for his experiment.

"Hey, has anyone seen Hermione?" asked Harry.

Outside the window in the thick clump of bushes, a pair of pink, slipper clad feet wiggled angrily.

**The reason Butler is so old yet still alive is because of all the healings Holly had done to him. I remember reading that he probably would live longer because of that. Obviously, he's not as fit as he used to be, but he still tries to kick butt and protect Artemis. **

** I had so much fun writing this, I'll probably do another one shot sequel to it!**


	5. Attack of the Rabid Fangirls!

**Attack of the Rabid Fan Girls**

**_Fowl Mansion_**

Artemis Fowl was in his study with Holly, catching up.

"No1 is coming for a visit," said Holly.

"Really?" asked Artemis. "Usually they don't let him out of Haven, unless it's an emergency."

"Well, he got tired of being cooped up," said Holly. "He wanted to come out, get some fresh surface air for a change."

"Well, my parents and the twins are out," said Artemis. "So it's just us and Butler."

No1 arrived later and Butler set snacks out for them.

"Guess what I've been learning," said No1, trying some caviar on a cracker. It tasted disgusting to him and he discreetly spit it into a potted plant when nobody was looking.

"What?" asked Holly, helping herself to more carrots.

"I've been learning about long range transportation of people," said No1, quietly making sure the leaves hid the disgusting half chewed lump of food.

"Like time travel?" asked Holly. "We already knew you could that."

"No," said No1. "I can transport people around the world now."

"Really?" asked Artemis. "How?"

"It's simple really," said No1. "Let me explain."

**_Somewhere in America_**

****Penny Smith was in her room with her two best friends, Cecilia and Helen, and her little sister, Vivian.

They were having a sleepover party, and were dressed in their pajamas and had snacks and drinks spread around in the room. They had all given each other makeovers and were wearing different colored lipsticks and glosses, and eye shadow.

Their parents were downstairs in the basement, watching the game with a few friends.

"I just finished reading the Last Guardian," said Cecilia. "I bawled my eyes out when Artemis died."

"Me too," said Helen. "Luckily, Foaly thought to make a clone and bring him back"

"I hope they make a movie of these books soon," said Penny. "I mean, it's been years since the first book came out. Shouldn't they have made one already?"

"I would give almost anything to meet Artemis Fowl," said Vivian, dreamily.

"He's not real," said Cecilia.

"He's just a work of fiction," said Penny.

"Yeah, but what if he was _real?" _asked Vivian. "I mean, what if all that stuff Eoin Colfer wrote about was actually real, and he just published it as fiction? So no one would find out?"

"I have to admit, it'd be really cool," said Cecilia. "Artemis is so dreamy and handsome." She sighed. "And to be able to meet Holly and the others would be totally awesome."

"Look," said Helen, pulling out a chain with a small shiny stone attached to it. "My mom gave me this. She says it's a wishing stone. You make wishes and they come true."

"That doesn't work," said Penny.

"Yes it does!" said Helen. "She wished on it for a wonderful handsome man and met my dad!"

"Luck," said Vivian.

"And she wished for a daughter and got me," said Helen.

"There's a fifty-fifty chance she would've had a girl," said Penny.

"And she wished to win the lottery and she did that too!" said Helen.

"Oh, well, maybe it does work," said Cecilia. "Gimme gimme! I want to wish for Taylor Launter to appear in my bedroom!"

"We should wish for Artemis Fowl!" said Vivian.

"But he's not real," said Helen.

"Well, if your wishing stone is so great, it'll make him be real!" said Vivian.

They decided to try, just for fun. They each placed a finger on the stone and wished with all their might.

**_Fowl Mansion_**

"So," began No1. "All I do is concentrate really hard. And I imagine sending you some place. Like if I wanted to send you to America, I would concentrate really hard like this."

No1 scrunched his features up and showed them his thinking face. Suddenly, Artemis disappeared.

Holly jumped up. "WHAT DID YOU DO!?"

No1 gasped. "I didn't mean-I swear-I didn't mean to concentrate _that _hard!"

"BRING HIM BACK!"

**_Somewhere in America_**

****Artemis Fowl felt himself land on something soft. He opened his eyes and seen a lot of pink.

Artemis realized he was on a bed, presumable in a girls room, judging by the pink sheets and blankets on the bed he had landed on. There were posters on the wall of anime characters and girly clothes strewn about. He scrambled up and realized four sets of eyes were ogling at him.

"It worked…" breathed one.

"Um," said Artemis, at a loss for words.

A girl with a necklace that had a stone on it fell backwards in a dead faint.

"Who are you?" squeaked one. "Are you-?"

"My name is Artemis Fowl the Second," answered the raven haired individual, straightening his Armani suit.

The three still conscious girls squealed and began jumping up and down.

"OMG!" shrieked the youngest.

"He's real!" shouted one who looked like her sister.

"I can't believe the wish worked!" said the other.

"OMG!" yelled the youngest.

"I didn't think it would!" said the other.

"OMG!" hollered the youngest.

"Stop screaming OMG!" said the older sister.

Artemis just stared at them. "Where am I?"

"Somewhere in America," said the younger one, getting closer to him.

Penny shoved her sister out of the way and introduced them all. Helen finally regained consciousness and got up.

"You're reeeaalll!" she said.

"Well of course I am," said Artemis.

"We thought you were just in the books!" said Cecilia.

"Books?" asked Artemis.

"Yes, the books written about you and Holly and Opal!" exclaimed Penny.

"And Butler and Foaly and all the totally awesome adventures you had!" said Vivian.

"Wait, someone wrote books about that?" asked Artemis.

"Duh!" Vivian rolled her eyes.

"Who?" asked Artemis.

"Eoin Colfer," said Penny.

"So what's it like, being friends with fairies!?" asked Vivian, gazing at Artemis with a look that bordered on idol worship.

"Can you take us to Haven?" asked Helen.

"No!" said Artemis. "That wouldn't be allowed-"

"You're eyes really are different colors!" Vivian interrupted.

"You're sooo handsome!" said Cecilia.

The girls had all crawled onto the bed now.

"Can I touch you?" asked Penny, holding the tip of finger near Artemis's face.

"Why would you want to touch me?" asked Artemis.

"To make sure you're not a figment of our imaginations," said Penny, poking his face. "Well, you're definitely real."

"I'm sure I am," said Artemis. "Now, I need a phone, so I can call my friends to pick me up in the Lear Jet, so I can go home." He tried to edge off the bed.

"Don't go!" said Helen.

"I'm your biggest fan!" screamed Vivian.

"We love you!" shrieked Penny.

There lipsticked faces were looming a little too close for Artemis's taste.

"Stop it!" said Artemis, getting worried. "You're too young for me anyway! I'm an adult!"

"With you going to Hybras and coming back 3 years later, you're technically still under eighteen," said Helen. "So it's not illegal!"

"No! STOP! PLEASE HELP MEEE-!"

His shrieks of terror were drowned out as the rabid girls attacked him.

Downstairs in the basement, Penny and Vivian's parents thought they heard a scream.

"Did you hear something?" asked the mom. "Sounded like the scream of a young man being attacked by the girls."

"Oh, you know girls," said the dad. "They're probably just playing some slumber party game."

"Bring him back!" Holly was shouting at No1. "Wait, you _can, _right?"

"Well, probably," said No1, quivering under Holly's angry gaze.

"What do you mean, _probably?" _asked Holly, drawing her Neutrino.

"Uh, well." No1 began to sweat, looking down the barrel of the gun. "Foaly and I did some experiments. He put a tracker in a squash, and I transported it to somewhere near the Great Wall of China. I was aiming for Japan, but well, it went off a bit. And then I brought the squash back. Well, half of it."

"HALF!?" screamed Holly. "You transported Artemis to goodness knows where and you're saying you might not be able to bring him back in one piece?"

"Well, the second experiment was a lot of better!" said No1, nodding vigorously.

"How much better?"

"I was able to bring back three quarters of it."

Holly was ready to blast No1 in the face.

"You better put all your brain power into bringing him back in one piece!" The barrel of the Neutrino tapped No1's face.

No1 gulped.

Artemis wasn't having fun. He grabbed for the nearest thing he could reach (a Naruto pillow) and tried to beat his attackers off, who were squealing and holding him down on the bed.

"PILLOW FIGHT!" they yelled and began beating Artemis with pillows. Feathers flew around the room and Artemis's couldn't fight them very well with only a small Naruto pillow. The girls began attacking him once more, planting their lips all over his face.

Suddenly he disappeared.

"NOOO!" shrieked Vivian.

"WHERE'D HE GO!?" screamed Helen. "I was going to make him by boyfriend!"

"YOURS?" spluttered Penny. "He was going to be mine!"

The girls began attacking each other. Feathers flew as they commenced fighting with the pillows and tried to strangle each other with the sheets.

"Sounds like they're really having fun up there," said the dad, downstairs in the basement.

Artemis reappeared in his study.

"Thank goodness!" said Holly. "You're all in one pi-what happened?"

Artemis was covered in feathers. His suit was torn and his shirt was un-tucked. His normally sleek hair was standing up and there was lipstick smeared all over his face and neck and shirt. It also looked like someone had tried to undo his belt buckle and unzip his pants.

"What happened?" repeated Holly. "Where'd did you go?"

Artemis sputtered, looking shocked and scared. "T-there were f-four of them-I tried to f-fight them off-t-t-too strong…"

"Who?" asked Holly. "They attacked you with kisses?"

Artemis staggered to the wall and curled up in a ball and rocked back and forth. "They tried to molest me!"

Butler came rushing in. "What happened?" He saw Artemis rocking on the floor, covered in lipstick and looking like someone had tried to rip his clothes off. Butler glared at Holly.

Holly raised her hands up. "Wasn't me! I don't even wear lipstick!"

Butler rushed to Artemis side, who was sniffling.

"Tell me who did this!" snarled Butler. "I'll make them pay."

Artemis trembled in terror. "It was FANGIRLS!"

**I hope you liked that. Obviously, Artemis is a bit out of character, but I think anybody would be a bit traumatized after being attacked by some rabid fan girls. Review!**


	6. Mal-Mart

**Holly and Artemis Go Visit Mal-Mart**

** In case you're wondering, I've actually seen some of this stuff happen in Wal-Mart.**

Artemis was visiting Holly in Haven at her apartment. They were sitting around, drinking coffee.

"Today was hell," said Artemis.

"Why?" asked Holly.

"Mother made go to Wal-mart with her," said Artemis. "I hate shopping! Unless it's for plutonium and uranium… anyway the lines are huge, there's too few people working the floor to help out, the fitting rooms are packed, they always run out of something in the grocery area so Angeline has to ask someone to get it from the back, and the people come in dressed like slobs."

Holly raised an eyebrow, "You think Wal-mart is bad? You should come see Mal-Mart."

"No, I don't wanna-!" But Holly said she needed to get some things so she grabbed Artemis and made him come with her.

Mal-mart was as big as Wal-mart, and just as bad,

They entered into the store, to find that there were no carts, so they had to wait while an elf, moving like a snail, brought in a line. Holly snagged one and they began walking.

In the produce, a dwarf was nibbling on the fruits and veggies left out. There were apples and oranges with teeth marks. A watermelon had been reduced to the rind, and there were tomato stems lying on the floor. A pixie slipped on the juice remaining and fell on her back and began squawking about lawsuits. A manager hanging around, smoking, ran to his office in terror. The dwarf who was eating the food, was now in the process of emptying an entire carton of blueberries into his mouth. Another dwarf tackled him and knocked him to the ground.

"LP! DON'T MOVE!"

"They have LEP here?" asked Artemis.

"No, LP," said Holly. "Loss Prevention. They don't have enough and people are always getting away with stuff they shoplift."

While the LP dwarf was wrestling with the food snatcher on the ground, another dwarf was tiptoeing out the front door with a cart, loaded with three huge plasma screen TVs. The alarm went off but nobody did anything.

Holly needed wheat bread, but of course, the shelves were out. Holly and Artemis spent twenty minutes looking for an employee before they found one. When they spotted one, in the dairy, he saw them coming, looking like they had a question. He quickly ran between to double doors to the back.

"Wait! I need bread!" screamed Holly, looking pissed.

Several various loafs of bread came flying out and hit her in the head. At least one was wheat, so Holly grabbed it and dumped it in the cart.

Only when Artemis and Holly had walked away, the worker peeked out and, seeing the coast was clear, ventured back onto the floor, only to running to the back again when someone asked where the cheese was.

Holly opened the dairy fridge door, to get a jug of milk.

"You have to check the milk here," said Holly. "It's often curdled, even the soy milk."

She grabbed a jug of soy milk and opened it. Making a face, she put it back and grabbed another one. Pronouncing it safe, she placed it in the cart.

"I need some clothes," said Holly.

Artemis groaned, he hated shopping for clothes.

The people walking around Mal-mart seemed to have put no effort into their clothes or appearance. Artemis saw several people walking in too tight shorts, there butt cheeks hanging out. One old lady was wearing a rather sheer shirt with no bra. Artemis almost barfed. Almost nobody had bothered to comb their hair, instead leaving it in a big messy bun on top of their head. One elf walked by in a shorts and T-shirt, his clothes so stained, you couldn't event what color they were supposed to be. Another elf apparently hadn't even bothered to get dressed. He was walking around butt ass naked. Nobody seemed to care.

Holly picked a few shirts out and went to the fitting room. Seeing customers coming, the fitting room attendants ran in every direction, screaming frantically that a customer was coming and "SAVE YOURSELVES!"

They entered the fitting room.

"I need a room!" bellowed Holly.

Artemis could only hear the terrified teeth chattering of an attendant hiding under the desk. Holly had to wiggle under a fitting room door, which resulted in her own clothes being covered in dust and shit from the floor.

"Who took a crap in here?" asked Holly.

"Toilets are out of order," yelled the attendant, then: "Shit! Gotta be quiet so they don't find me and expect me to actually do some work."

Holly needed help finding a size so she had to hunt down a worker. One was spotted in the women's sport wear section so Holly chased after the lady who ran and hid in a rack. Holly dragged her out.

"I'd rather die than help you!" shouted the employee.

"I need a small in this shirt!"

It took an hour before the worker came back and threw the small at Holly from across the room and then ran and hid again.

"Now I need some personal items." They went to HBA where Holly got some shampoo. Some teenagers and an employee where playing in the aisles, squirting shampoo and soap at each other, laughing and giggling like hyenas.

"Shouldn't you be working?" yelled Holly.

The sprite employee pouted. "Never!"

"Come back!" The employee darted and Holly had to chase him down. "I need the jumbo tampons! And Super Large Maxi Maxi-Pads!"

While she chased the employee down, yelling out what size tampons and pads she needed and how her period was a bitch, Artemis seen the teenagers shoving boxes of condoms down there pants. One snuck behind the pharmacy counter and grabbed a bunch of Sudafed. The Pharmacist never even noticed.

While the teenagers snuck out the door, amid the alarms, pants stuffed with merchandise (including one teen who was trying to hide a huge DVD player his shirt) Holly came back with the stuff she needed.

They went to the electronics. All the employees seemed to be on permanent lunch breaks so sprites and pixies were walking around, squawking that they needed help in the TV's. An elf was shouting he needed help with stereos. By the video game case, two dwarfs were picking open the cases and loading up a duffel bag with dozens of expensive video games. Another came by and stuck six Xbox's into a cart and ran for the door.

Holly was buying a memory card for her computer, but they were on locked peg hooks. Nobody was around to unlock it so she had to tug and yank on it until the peg broke. The minute she tossed her memory card into the cart, another dwarf ran by and grabbed the rest of the memory cards off the broken lock peg hook. He shoved them under his shirt and ran off.

"There is a bad shoplifting problem here," said Artemis.

"You think?" asked Holly.

It had taken so long to get the other stuff, the milk had gone warm, so Holly had to get more. The dwarf from earlier was standing on top of a shelf, eating apples and laughing at the LP elf, who was too fat to climb after him. He was shouting and throwing green bell peppers at him.

There were only two registers open and each line stretched waaaaaay back. And elf and a centaur started yelling and fighting, saying one had cut the other in line. The elf jumped on the centaurs back who yelled and whinnied and began running through the store, neighing and bucking, trying to throw the elf off. Many racks and shelves were knocked over as the centaur bucked his way to electronics. A few minutes later, they heard shattering as one of the game case doors was probably busted.

Everybody just shrugged and moved up.

Two hours later, they got to the cashier. Holly flung her stuff onto the counter and pulled out her debit card.

The cashier popped some gum and scratched her pointy ears. "Debit and credit machine is down. You can only pay with gold only."

Holly began to shake. "I'm not carrying any gold!"

The elf picked some earwax out of her ear and then wiped on the clothes Holly was intending to buy. "Sorry, gold only."

Holly jumped across the counter and began strangling the cashier and smashing her head into the register.

DING! The drawer popped and Holly crammed the elf's head and closed it.

"SCREW MAL-MART!" Holly shrieked, stomping for the door, leaving her stuff behind. Artemis followed.

He was wrong. There was something worse than Wal-mart, it was called Mal-Mart.


	7. Preschool

**The Artemis Fowl Gang and the Harry Potter Gang in Preschool**

** Okay, everyone is about the same age, despite age differences in the actual books. It's just for the stories, and Holly is here, and, for story sakes, all manner of elves live above ground and it's totally normal. Characters will probably be OC, but they're only toddlers.**

** Now, for the Ritalin part, I'm not an expert on it, but I pretty much based it the South Park episode I saw once, where the kids were all slow and dopey.**

Artemis Fowl entered into the classroom for preschool, carrying a little Iron Man backpack. He would have preferred a plain one, but Angeline thought Iron Man was "just adoweable for my widdle man!" Artemis could never understand why his Mum developed a speech impediment when buying "cute" things for her son.

The others students were already there, ready to begin the day. Root was sneaking into the teacher's purse and grabbing a few of her cigarettes.

"I gotta go smoke," he whispered to Artemis, tiptoeing out.

"You're three years old." Artemis raised an eyebrow.

"Well, they start younger and younger," muttered Root, one already stuck into the corner of his mouth.

Artemis sighed and crammed his mini back pack into one of the cubbies and he straightened his Armani suit.

The teacher, Ms. Potluck, a young, fresh faced thing straight from college, ambled over to him.

"Hi, Artemis!"

"That's Master Fowl to you."

The Ms. Potluck blinked at him. "Uh, yeah, well, I came to tell you, remember what I said last class, to wear something you won't mind getting paint on? You wouldn't want to get paint on that suit would you? Were doing art today!" Secretly, in her head, she wondered who sent to their toddler to preschool in an Armani suit.

"Ma'am, unlike you perhaps, I am quite capable of remaining neat and tidy, all the while producing a masterpiece worthy of Leonardo Da Vinci himself," replied Artemis coolly.

Ms. Potluck just blinked again and walked off.

Artemis walked through the room, trying to avoid the throngs of snot nosed, screaming tots. Foaly, a centaur, was bucking and neighing, because a little boy was trying to ride him.

"I WANT A PONY RIDE!" the boy was shrieking. "GIDDY UP!"

"I AM NOT A PONY!" Foaly screamed.

"Hey, Artemis!" shouted a red haired boy, blowing his nose on his hand and then reaching for Artemis's shirt. "Is that silk! Ohhh, looks soft!"

"Get away, Ron!" shouted Artemis, leaning back.

Just as Ron's snotty fingers were an inch away from Artemis's shirt, a growl was heard and Ron went flying through the air, to land on a bean chair.

A toddler, with blond, short hair stood there. He was huge! Compared to everyone else who wore a 3T or 4T size, this kid had to be wearing a least a 10-12 in boy clothes. He was about four feet tall and had rippling muscles.

"Oh, thank you," said Artemis. "What's your name?"

"Butler," said the toddler. "That's my sister over there." He pointed to a girl wearing a fashionable and cute Gucci dress and little Mary Jane shoes. She had braided pigtails with a jade ring on the end of each one and was currently beating a boy into submission for trying to tie her braids to the back of a chair.

"Were new," explained Butler. "And my sister, well she doesn't like having her hair tied to a chair."

"Ah, of course," said Artemis. "I am Artemis Fowl the Second. I think you shall be my body guard."

"Okay," said Butler.

"Come meet my friend." Artemis walked to a table where a little elf girl with short red hair was sitting, kicking her feet. She was wearing little pink suede boots and a pink dress with flowers stitched into it.

"Hi, Awtemis!" she said.

She was the only one who could mispronounce Artemis's name and get away with it.

"Hi, Holly," replied Artemis. "This is Butler and that's Juliet."

Juliet came flouncing over; the boy she had been beating up was being helped up the teacher.

"Who did this to you?"asked the teacher, seeing his bloody nose. She had never noticed when Juliet had been hitting the boy.

"I-I-Juliet-she-" the boy began, but Juliet glared at him and began fingering the jade piece on one of her pigtails. "I mean-I fell."

"Some teacher we have," muttered Artemis, taking a piece of construction paper. The kids were supposed to be cutting out shapes with safety scissors.

Ron came to the table and sat down. "I'm sorry," he told Artemis.

"Don't put your snotty fingers on me again," said Artemis. "And don't touch Holly either, or you'll upset her."

"I wike you Awtemis!" said Holly, leaning over and pecking Artemis on the cheek. Then she blushed and hid her face behind a piece of construction paper. Artemis blushed as well.

"Ron, can't you ever wipe your nose off?" asked a fluffy haired girl sitting down as well. A black haired boy sat next to her. His glasses were held together with a lot of sello tape.

"Sure, Hermione," said Ron, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

"Yuck," said the black haired boy.

"Why you got a scar?" asked Holly, pointing at him.

"Oh," said the boy, fingering the lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead. "My Aunt and Uncle told me I got into a car accident with my parents. I don't really remember it though."

"Harry is suffering from post traumatic stress," called Foaly. "He doesn't remember because he blocked it out."

"But I was one," said Harry. "I don't remember much of anything from that age."

"You're doing it all wrong!" Hermione was scolding Ron, who was trying to cut out a shape. "You hold the scissors _like this-_

"I don't need your help!" squawked Ron. "I'll just use my wand to do it."

"Go on then, let me see you do it," said Hermione, folding her arms, her frizzy hair quivering indignantly. "_Without _your wand though, because the teacher said that's cheating."

Ron cut out a shape and held it up. "It's a pig!"

"It looks like a shapeless lump," snickered a tiny, black haired girl.

Artemis sighed. Opal. The most annoying pixie in school.

The girl cut and folded and bent construction paper until she had a 3-D pop up dragon sitting in her hand.

"Beat that," she said, dumping it in the middle of the table. She sat down and ordered her lackeys, Merv and Scant, to bring her a box of pencils from the shelf.

"And be quick about it!" she snapped. Merv and Scant rushed to the shelf, tripping in their haste.

"Class, quiet down," said Ms. Potluck, having returned from taking the beat up boy to the nurse. Root was sitting in class now, smoking a cigarette in plain sight.

"Ms. Potluck will see!" hissed Holly.

"Pfft." Root rolled his eyes. "I realized I may as not bother to hide and smoke in the bathrooms. Ms. Potluck wouldn't notice if somebody ran in and kidnapped half the class."

"Remember, I said you have to bring something to class for show and tell. Did everybody bring something?" Ms. Potluck called to everyone.

There were murmurs of yes.

Holly went first, showing a doll she had.

"This is Bawbie," she said.

"Stupid Mud Maid doll," Opal muttered. "I hate Barbie."

"Everybody quiet down," said Ms. Potluck.

"I have lots of outfits for Bawbie," continued Holly. "And she awso has a set of nun-chucks at home and a waser gun, to shoot monsters with!" She smiled at the class. "I caw it a Neutwino."

"Oookay," said Ms. Potluck. "Enough of your violent Barbie. Next, please."

Harry went up. "All I have that I could bring from home was my last pair of socks with no holes in them. They used to be Dudley's." The socks were horribly stretched out, like Bigfoot had worn them. "My Aunt and Uncle don't let me have toys. Dudley gets everything."

"That is no excuse to not bring something!" said Ms. Potluck. "I don't believe for a second that you're Aunt and Uncle doesn't let you have toys. You just forgot and grabbed the first thing you could on the way out the door. You get an F!"

Harry sat down, his lower lip wobbly. "I'm going to fail preschool, and who fails preschool?"

Butler went up next and showed off a pair of nun-chucks. He had brought a wooden dummy to demonstrate on.

"My Uncle gave me these for my birthday and showed me how to use them." Butler showed them his skill by using the nun-chucks to reduce the wooden dummy to a pile of splinters.

"Very nice," said Ms. Potluck. "Please put those away before you knock someone out."

Opal came up and showed them a miniature computer she had built herself from a toaster and a cell phone.

The class was visibly awed and Opal sat down afterwards with a smug look.

Artemis went next, straightening his suit.

"I have built what I called the C-cube," he said, pulling out a small device. He explained that it can read any material, VHS, DVD, cell phones, CD's, cassette tapes, ect. It made Opal's little computer look like something from the Stone Age. He took Ms. Potluck's smart phone and placed it on the scanner where it showed that she had an online dating profile and that her profile picture had been photo-shopped to make herself look a whole lot skinner.

Ms. Potluck, who was a little chubby, appeared quite angry. "Give me my phone!" She snatched it back. "You get extra credit, but don't bring my dating profile up again!"

Opal fumed in her seat. How come she didn't get extra credit!

Hermione brought up a huge set of encyclopedias that she had memorized word for word.

Ron brought his toy broomstick and tried to fly it, only to end up crashing into the wall and breaking his wand.

"My wand!" he screeched There was only a splinter holding it together.

The teacher tossed him some tape.

"I need Spello tape though; the regular sello tape won't work!" Ron looked frantic.

"Just make do!"

"Mum's gonna kill me!"

Foaly showed everyone his special bike, created especially for centaurs. He rode it around the room despite Ms. Potluck asking him not to, and rolled over Roots foot.

"You just wait!" shouted Root, puffing away on his cigarette. "One day you'll be working me for me and I will cut your budget!"

Finally, it was painting time and the kids started making pictures. Harry drew a picture of his Uncle locking him in his cupboard.

"What is that?" asked Ms. Potluck. "Is that supposed to be your feelings of how alone and inept you feel, due to your bad grades in class?"

Harry blinked at her. "No, it's my Uncle locking me in my cupboard."

Ms. Potluck clucked her tongue. "I think I need to have a discussion with your Aunt and Uncle about your poor grades and how depressed it is making you."

Harry started to cry as Ms. Potluck walked away. He turned to Hermione. "They're going to lock me up again!"

Foaly had drawn a picture of himself a cowboy (cow centaur?), complete with guns and a bandana, saving a western town from bandits.

Holly had drawn a picture of her and Artemis holding hands with a lot of little pink hearts above their heads. The words, "Hollee and Artimess 4 ever" were on the bottom. The r's were all backwards.

"How cute!" cooed Ms. Potluck. "You have a crush on Artemis!"

Holly blew a kiss to Artemis and hid behind her canvas, blushing. Artemis pretended to catch and the kiss and plant it on his cheek.

Artemis had drawn Dance at Bougival, a famous Renoir painting, except the girl looked like Holly and the boy looked like Artemis. It was a truly a masterpiece, considering he had used Crayola water colors.

Ms. Potluck stared at it. "I think we should have your I.Q tested."

"Already have, ma'am," stated Artemis, adding a touch more red to Holly's hat. "I am the smartest boy in Europe."

"Well, extra credit as usual," said Ms. Potluck. "Not that you need it."

Ron had drawn was he swore was a goblin, but it looked like a green splotch on the paper.

Opal had drawn Artemis and Holly being squashed by trolls, while she herself ate truffles and watched from a TV screen and wore a fur lined cloak and a gold crown. Ms. Potluck looked at it, and somehow, she missed the part of Artemis and Holly being murdered by trolls, despite the gushing blood Opal had liberally painted in.

"Oh, how cute, you're a queen."

"Damn right, you dumb ass."

"What was that?'

"I'm a pwincess!" Opal said quickly, batting her lashes.

"Of course you are sweetie." Ms. Potluck ruffled her hair.

Butler had drawn him and Juliet fighting hordes of ninjas, while Juliet herself and designed a fashionable dress on her canvas. Hermione had drawn herself in the future, studying books.

Then it was milk and cookie time, Artemis gave Holly one of his cookies, which thrilled her.

"Thank you, Awtemis!" she cooed. "You my best fwend!"

Harry scarfed his milk and cookies down, like a starving animal.

"Sheesh, calm down," said Artemis.

"My Aunt and Uncle haven't fed me in two days!" said Harry. "They tried to cut my hair and it grew back somehow, so I got locked up and they didn't feed me."

Artemis gave him the rest of his cookies and milk. "Here, you can have it."

Ron got a Howler after milk and cookies. His mum's voice screeched at him for failing story time.

Hermione giggled. "How do you fail story time!?" Ron shot her a mean look. "I mean-I mean-story time is quite hard to pass."

The story for today was the three bears and the teacher promised lollipops if they behaved. Artemis sat in the back and drew his knees up to hide the book he had in his lap. Quantum physics For Experts was written on the cover. He had Butler sit in front of him to shield him so he could read in peace. He didn't care about the bears and their porridge.

"Remember, don't fidget and you get a lollipop!" Ms. Potluck told them cheerily.

"I hate lollipops," Artemis muttered, opening his book.

Ron fidgeted as usual and didn't get a lollipop.

Then it was naptime and Artemis spent the time meditating while Holly, next to him, curled up on her mat and sucked on her thumb. Foaly twitched on his mat and muttered something about carrots. Harry, apparently having a nightmare, muttered something about green light and bad wizards.

After naptime, they could spend time playing with whatever they wanted.

Holly dragged Artemis over to a table and made him play house.

"You be the daddy and I be the mummy," said Holly, handing him a doll. Butler stood behind Artemis.

"I'm not ready to be a father!" wailed Artemis. "It's too soon!"

Butler looked at Holly. "As his body guard, I must ask you to cease and desist from accusing this man of being the father of this baby, when, clearly, it is not his."

Artemis shrugged. "I guess I must take responsibility."

"What's responibwity?" asked Holly.

"Never mind."

Juliet came over to play. "I want to be the mommy!" She snatched a doll from Holly.

"No, you be the babeeee!" whined Holly.

"Give Holly the baby back," said Artemis, trying to snatch it back.

Juliet didn't like having her hair tied to the back so of chairs, and she also didn't like having things snatched from her, despite the fact she had just done that to someone.

Juliet roared and smacked Artemis in the nose with her jade rings.

"OW!"

Artemis tried to beat Juliet with the baby doll.

"CHILD ABUSE!" shrieked Holly.

Butler hesitated, torn. Should he be loyal to Artemis, his principle, or his sister?

He settled for punching both in the face.

Holly squealed and began swatting the baby doll around, catching Opal in the face who was passing. Opal sputtered angrily and jumped on Holly who and they began rolling around, pulling each other's hair. They bumped into Harry who joined in the fight and got his glasses broken.

In a minute, the whole classroom was fighting. Ms. Potluck, who had snuck out for a smoke, came back to the find the room in turmoil. Ron went flying out a window, having been flung by Butler after sneezing directly onto Artemis's suit. Artemis was in freak out mode, running around with a bruised nose and a snotty suit. Harry was running around, crashing into things.

"My glasses! I need my glasses!" he squealed. "I can't see!"

A good deal of Hermione's frizzy hair had been ripped off and lay in clumps around the room. Juliet was holding Opal above her head and spinning around.

"I saw this on a wrestling show!" shouted Juliet. She gave a good heave and Opal found herself hurtling toward the chalk board.

"STOP THIS INSTANT!" screamed Ms. Potluck, trying to tearing a couple of other students apart. She couldn't believe it. All she did was sneak out to have a smoke and chaos ensues.

A little girl was climbing the cubbies. One boy was writing curse words on the chalk board. One boy got too close to Artemis with a sharp pencil and he found himself with his head zipped into a lunch box, courtesy of Butler.

Root pick pocketed Ms. Potluck and snagged a couple more cigarettes.

Finally the principle came in, hearing the ruckus and broke everybody up. The boy in the lunch box was released, his face covered in applesauce.

Ms. Potluck made up a story, saying the kids just all suddenly went out of control and she had no idea why.

"She went out to smoke!" shouted Artemis. "She left us unattended and should be fired for gross negligence and child endangerment!

"I did no such thing!" said Ms. Potluck, checking to make sure her cigarettes were well hidden in her pocket. "How dare you tell such lies? I shall be having a talk with all your parents!"

A few days later, the kids were all sitting in class, doped up on Ritalin.

The windows were open and Ms. Potluck sat at her desk, feet propped up, smoking away while she chatted on her cell phone.

"Yeah, totally," she was saying, while most of the kids languidly scribbled on paper, the Ritalin dulling their senses. "I told their parents that they all had ADHD and now they are all on Ritalin, to calm them down. So I can pretty much do whatever I want."

The only toddler, who wasn't on Ritalin, was Artemis. He had tricked his mother into thinking he had taken his pill, when really, he hadn't. But everyone else had.

He looked Holly. She stared blankly at him and then yawned. Ron was dozing. Harry was just staring into space. Hermione could only remember half the stuff she'd memorized in her encyclopedias.

"I'm so freaked out, but I can't show it," she intoned slowly.

"Duuuude," said Juliet.

Root had a cigarettes hanging out his mouth, not lit. Harry, his glasses patched up with tape, somehow managed to cut his own fingers with the safety scissors.

"I guess there not really so safe," said Artemis.

"Safe?" asked Harry, in wonderment, while some blood squirted across the table from the cut. Ms. Potluck didn't notice, she was too busy updating her dating profile.

Artemis realized his worst fear had come true. He, of course, was smarter than just about anybody in the world, and was used to others inferiority. But his worst fear was to be around a bunch of people who couldn't even have a half way intelligent conversation. He looked around desperately. He needed someone to talk to.

Opal. She was pretty smart, despite her smugness and jacked up sense of self importance. But no…Opal was staring to space out the window, her eyes glazed over. She couldn't even muster the gumption to smack Merv and Scant for taking too long while fetching her favorite coloring book.

Artemis shivered in fear. He was alone-there was nobody to have a half decent conversation with. He may as well be alone.

"NOOOO!" he shrieked, looking up toward the ceiling.


	8. Death by Lollipops!

**I Hate Lollipops**

**This is why Artemis hates lollipops now. Very short one shot.**

Artemis was three years old and at an academy. Really, it was just a preschool for brainy kids, but they called it an academy to make it sound super fancy. Artemis found it boring. They had started teaching the children Spanish words, for items around the house, like coffee, toaster, couch, ect. Artemis however had gone home and spent a few days studying it online and spoke it completely fluently now and could cuss the teacher out in every dialect there was. He only did it under his breath however, so she didn't know.

The teacher was having story time and was reading them a chapter book. Artemis hated story time. He could read that whole book himself in an hour. It was so boring. The teacher said those who didn't fidget would get a lollipop.

Artemis didn't particularly care for sweets, but he wasn't a trouble maker, so he sat still and the end the teacher gave them lollipops from the bottom of her purse. They were probably really old.

Artemis unwrapped it and it tasted disgusting. He imagined this is what dog crap tasted like. Gross.

He was about to take it out when a kid ran past him and knocked him down. The lollipop got lodged in his throat.

He panicked and tried to tell the teacher something was wrong, but the only sound he could make was "aaargh!"

The teacher, being a ditz, wasn't even paying attention and was too busy writing something on the chalk board.

Finally he managed to reach in his own mouth and pull it out. He threw it in the trash, resolving to never eat one again.

A few years later, his parents were hosting a party at the manor, and all kinds of fancy guests were there. They cooed at Artemis in is suit, pinched his cheeks and left smeary lipstick kisses on his forehead. He hated these parties.

"Oh, you're so adoweable!" said one lady, planting yet another lipstick kiss on his forehead. "I have something for you sweetie!"

She pulled out a lollipop, unwrapped it, and handed it to Artemis.

"What do you say, Artemis?" said Angeline.

"Thank you ma'am." Artemis took it and carefully placed it in his mouth. It actually tasted good. Some kind of melon berry or something. He walked around, sucking on it, until a drunken guest bumped him from behind and he fell down on the floor.

To his horror, it got lodged in his throat. He couldn't pull it out this time! He couldn't breathe! He was going to die because of a lollipop!

He clawed at his throat, trying to speak. Finally someone noticed.

"That boy is choking!"

"Do the himlickthingy maneuver!"

Someone grasped Artemis from behind and began the Heimlich. They gave a good heave and the lollipop flew out-

-only to land in the open mouth of an old man who had been watching the scene in shock.

The old man choked and fell to the floor, clutching is throat. Somebody tried to do the Heimlich on him, but it was lodged too deep and the poor old man died.

From that day, Artemis hated lollipops. They were evil and dangerous. As he got older, what Holly didn't know was that Artemis was working on a way to bankrupt and close down all factories that made lollipops of any kind.

Soon the world would be lollipop free, and then everyone would be safe!


	9. Rabid Fangirls! Part two

**Artemis's Suffers His Second Worst Nightmare While Butler Gets Revenge on The Rabid Fan Girls!**

"It's okay," Holly soothed Artemis, who was still curled up in a ball on the floor. "The rabid fan girls can't get you anymore."

"This is No1's fault!" Artemis pointed at No1 who ran and hid behind a potted plant.

"Listen, you're far away from those loonies," replied Butler. "No1, I need you to transport me to the house those girls are in."

"I don't really know where it is," said No1, peeking out from behind the potted plant.

"Wait, I remember seeing and envelope on the bedside table," said Artemis. He rattled off the address and Butler used the computer and found the address in America, along with an image courtesy of Google Satellite.

"Send me there," said Butler.

"Okay," said No1.

"You can't harm them!" said Holly. "They're just a bunch of dumb girls."

"Oh, I won't harm them physically," said Butler, with an evil grin. No1 focused and Butler disappeared.

**_Somewhere in America_**

****Butler appeared in the bedroom of the girls. They had stopped fighting and were now lamenting the fact that Artemis was gone.

"It's so unf-fair!" Vivian was sobbing. "HEY!"

Butler glared at the girls. "Are you the ones who attacked Artemis Fowl?!"

"We didn't attack him, we tried to make out with-HEY! YOU'RE BUTLER!" Penny had stars in her eyes.

"OMG!" screamed the youngest.

"Don't start with that!" warned Penny. "I can't believe Butlers here now!"

"Did you bring Artemis back!?" asked Cecilia, looking behind Butler.

"You don't molest my principle," said Butler, in a deadly quiet. Suddenly the girls realized Butler was angry and they were in deep doo doo…

**_Fowl Manor_**

****"I'm going to go make some salad," said Holly.

"Cool," replied Artemis. "I'm going to work on the computer."

Artemis sat at his desk and exited the Google map site. He had bought a new model of the Power Book and decided to finish some work.

Suddenly, in the middle of an email, his Power Book began acting funny and a warning popped up that the computer may be infected. Despite all the protection and firewalls and what not he had on it, it crashed.

Artemis sat frozen as Power book completely died. The virus was so complete and bad, even he couldn't fix his it.

He had no computer.

He had never gone without one…

There was no way to do his work or watch porn.

"NOOOOO!" screamed Artemis in terror.

**_Somewhere in America_**

****"Say hello to my little friend," said Butler pulling out his Sig Sauer.

The girls screamed and dove for cover.

Butler wasn't going to shoot them, but the things in their room. Butler began firing and reloading at a fast pace. An Inuyasha poster on the wall suddenly became riddled with bullets. Penny screamed seeing her beloved poster being treated in such a way. Several stuffed plushies of Sesshomaru, Inuyasha, Sasuke, Naruto and Fruit Basket characters sitting on the shelf were shot and they fell to the floor, bleeding fluff everywhere.

The computer was reduced to a pile of wires and smoking circuits and so was the Playstation. Vivian went into shock when she seen that. How would she play her Final Fantasy Games?

Downstairs in the basement, the girl's parents were watching the game on TV still.

"Man, are they playing video games up there?" asked one father.

"The gun fire sounds real, must be a good sound system," answered another.

Out of bullets, Butler stomped to the bed and picked up the Naruto pillow and roared as he ripped it in half. There were several anime DVD sets by the TV and Butler snapped each disc in half.

"NOOOO!" screamed Helen. "THAT'S MY SOUL EATER SEASON ONE COLLECTION!"

The Soul Eater disc was snapped in about fifty little pieces.

"Maybe I can still fix it, and it'll play, somehow," babbled Helen in desperation.

Butler then ate the pieces. Helen fainted dead on the floor.

The entire collection of all the Inuyasha seasons was smashed against the wall and then flung out the window. Penny's sketch book was shredded into pieces.

"No!" Penny was bawling. Cecilia was hiding under the bed, mourning. Helen was fainted and Vivian was in a corner, rocking back and worth, her mouth open in shock.

There was one major thing in the corner. In the corner was a life size figure of Naruto. It was all the girls favorite and had cost Penny and Vivian's parents a big chunk of money.

Having destroyed everything else, Butler rounded on the giant Naruto character. Penny saw this and dived to protect her beloved character but Butler swatted her away like a fly. Naruto had his head torn off and Butler ripped it to pieces and burned it.

No1 had been instructed to bring Butler back after a few minutes.

Butler disappeared suddenly and the girls with left with their destroyed anime remnants. Penny sat sobbing over the ashes of her beloved Naruto stuffed character.

**_Fowl Manor_**

****No1 brought Butler back and he found himself in the kitchen.

"Holly's making me a salad," said No1.

"Where's Artemis?" asked Butler.

"Upstairs."

At that moment, they heard shrieking and screaming. Artemis came running downstairs, babbling and hollering.

"My computer! My beloved Power Book! Gone! Gone! Crashed and dead forever! What do I do!? NOOOO!"

He ran screaming and bawling out onto the grounds.

"All right, No1 I need you to transport me somewhere else," said Butler. "Who makes the Power Books?"


	10. Artemis Fowl is Austin Powers!

**Artemis Fowl: The Elf Who Shagged Me.**

** If you can't guess by the title, this is Artemis Fowl…Austin Power's style! Just for reference, I made Artemis eighteen years old in this, so he is an adult, but other events are kind of the same. His father has been missing and his mother is depressed. Some characters names and such may be changed, and there are some different things from each of the three movies.**

_How does one describe Artemis Fowl? Various psychiatrists have tried and failed. The main problem is Artemis's own libido. He had puzzled the greatest medical minds and sent many of them gibbering to their own hospitals, sighing over his sexiness._

_There is no doubt that Artemis was a child prodigy and a sexy genius, but his greatest adventure didn't happen until he was eighteen years old…_

Artemis Fowl sat at the table in Ho Chi Minh City, with his body guard, Butler, awaiting the contact who would presumably lead him to a member of the elf race. He'd been waiting weeks for this…

"This contact should be a good one," said Butler.

A waiter hurried to the table and asked if they wanted more tea.

Artemis sighed. "Have a seat, man, I can tell you're the contact."

"M-me?" the waiter looked at Butler.

Artemis adjusted his rather square glasses. "You're wearing handmade loafers, a silk shirt, three gold signet rings. Your English has a tinge of Oxford and your nails have the soft sheen of the recently manicured. You're the contact, Nguyen Xuan. You're pretending to be a waiter so you can check for weaponry."

"Very good," said Nguyen, wondering why Artemis was dressed the way he was, in a crushed velvet suit with a small froth of lace at the throat, and some rather retro shoes. It wasn't the sixties anymore, but he'd heard women totally dug Artemis.

Artemis continued, smoothing his blue velvet suit and neck fringe. "I have no weapons, but Butler has a Sig Sauer, two shrike-throwing knives in his boots, a derringer two-shot up his sleeve, garrote wire in his watch, and three stun grenades concealed in various pockets. Anything else, Butler.

"The cosh, sir."

"Oh, yes. A good old ball-bearing cosh stuffed down his shirt."

"Okay, okay," said Nguyen. "Look, I know where sprite is. I can take you there."

"Groovy, baby! Lead one!" said Artemis, getting up.

It was boiling hot as they took the Hummer down some streets and eventually they got so narrow, they had to go on foot.

"Lead on," said Artemis. "And don't try to bail, or you'll be heading right for a smacked bottom."

Nguyen looked at Butler, who cracked his knuckles, and gulped. "This way."

He led them to a crude tent put up against the wall in the alley.

"She's in there," he said. "Never comes out, not even for her rice wine, sends a runner."

Artemis peeked inside, and seen a horrid old crone looking person sitting there. She had a hooked nose and golden eyes and pointy ears. Her flesh was melted like putty.

"Butler, pay the man in full and let him go."

Nguyen didn't even count his money. He just took the money and skipped away down the alley, grateful to be away from Butler.

Artemis looked at the fairy. "I have a proposition for you."

"Wine first, then talk," she rasped.

Butler handed Artemis a bottle, who in turn handed it to the sprite. It was the finest whiskey. Her green hand snatched it and she chugged it down, like Sunny D.

The sprite looked at Artemis. He was so sexy, even for a Mud Man. She had to have him.

"You want favor, you must do me one," she said.

"Well, I want your book, to photocopy, not to keep," said Artemis, smiling and showing rather crooked teeth. He had money to fix them, but just somehow never got around to it. He was too busy doing nefarious schemes.

"I give book for thirty minutes," said the sprite. "You come in my tent and give me some lovin'. It's been too long. Centuries."

Artemis sighed. Normally, he'd jump at the chance to shag a lady, but she was old and ugly. Even he had his limits, but he needed the book.

"Butler, hand me the other bottle." Artemis chugged down a good measure of whiskey. He needed the liquid courage.

"Ah, you're going through with this?" asked Butler.

"I need the book."

Butler stood guard while the tent rocked around for a good twenty minutes. Butler hummed to himself, trying to ignore the loud shouts of "Yeah baby!" and "Harder, harder!" "Oh, you're so sexy Artemis!"

Artemis finally climbed out, his glasses about to fall off, his hair disheveled. He quickly smoothed it and his suit. The sprite sighed happily and handed over the book. Artemis quickly photographed every page and it was sent to his computer in Ireland.

"Thank you, ma'am," said Artemis, handing it back. "Stay groovy!"

The sprite leaned back in her tent with another sigh of content. She'd just shagged the great Artemis Fowl.

_Fowl Manor, Ireland._

Artemis had translated the fairy book and knew how to get his gold now. He had told Juliet to make the proper arraignments downstairs. Butler knew they would be checking out magical spots in the weeks to come.

They would be getting his fairy gold soon…

_Haven_

Holly Short reported to Commander Root Evil's office.

"I have a mission for you," he said, sticking his pinky in his mouth, by habit. He had used to smoke cigars, but his doctors told him he better stop, so he stopped (mostly) so he ended up sticking his pinky in his mouth, just for something to do. He had a cat, something not many fairies had. It was mean and hairless, but Root treated it like a queen and called it Mr. Snugglesworth.

"What is it, Sir?" asked Holly, smoothing her LEP suit over her slim, but sexy body.

"There is a rogue troll in Italy. Go get surveillance, but do not interfere! It's a full blown bull troll, and mean! Just get surveillance, Retrieval will be on its way." Root turned to the door. "Oh, and meet my new clone."

Holly's jaw dropped as a copy of Root, a little over a foot tall, entered in. What was also shocking, was the fact he had a cloned cat as well, that was smaller than the real one.

"How did-what-"

"Foaly has been working on it and I agreed to let him use me to make on," said Root. "It's nice having a helper. Say hello Mini Me. That's his cat, Fluffy." Holly thought that was ironic, considering it had no hair. It jumped to the floor to go see the other cat.

Mini Me smiled.

"Aww, he's cute!" said Holly, poking it's face. Mini Me bit her.

"Down!" yelled Root, smacking Mini Me with a rolled up paper. "What I'd tell you?"

Mini Me released Holly's finger and pouted.

"Go, hurry up, the trolls on the loose," said Root.

Holly hurried to the surface in a shuttle and activated her crappy, gas powered wings and flew over the field. It was pretty easy to follow the path made by the troll.

"He nibbled some cows, bought us some time," said Foaly in his British accent.

"Why the heck did you clone Root?" asked Holly. "We don't need another Root!"

"I need someone to practice on," said Foaly. "I'm thinking about doing Goldmember Kelp next."

Holly groaned. Goldmember used to be a gold smelter before getting into the LEP. He'd lost his dong in an unfortunate smelting accident and had to have a fake one of gold put in its place. Since becoming an LEP member, he took the name Goldmember and was proud of it. Who else could say they had a golden pickle?

"We don't need another person strutting around, bragging about their golden man bits."

Foaly erupted in laughter.

"Listen, I got visual," said Holly. The troll was smashing into a building with his club, roaring.

"Hang, Retrieval is almost there, a few more minutes-"

The troll, however, wasn't going to hang around and wait. He had smashed into the side of a restaurant and entered. A child screamed for help.

"I have to!" said Holly.

Root got on the line. "HOLLY! I SAID WAIT AND THAT IS AN ORDER! WHY MUST I BE SURROUNDED BY FRICKIN IDIOTS!"

"A child screamed for help," said Holly. "If I don't do something, innocent lives will be murdered."

There was some squeaking and grunting. Great, Mini Me had his two cents to put it.

"HOLLY-!" Root roared, but Holly cut communication and flew in.

She shielded and shot the troll with her gun. The troll roared and swiped at her, knocking the gun from her grasp.

_Lucky shot, lucky shot, he can't see me after all._

The troll seemed to look at her and raised his club again.

_I'm shielded after, I'm low on magic, but I've got enough for that._

Holly looked at herself and realized she wasn't shielded.

"Shit!" she darted to the side just in time. The troll roared and grabbed her. Holly kicked at it.

_No, I'm gonna die!_

Suddenly, she remembered the lights on her helmet, and turned them on full blast, shocking the beast. Trolls don't like light and this one keeled over, passed out. Holly grabbed her gun and loosed a few shots in head, so it would stay knocked out for a bit.

Of course, every eye in the restaurant was on her. There was also a massive hole in the restaurant now.

"Insurance, will probably, er, cover that," said Holly speaking Italian.

The people just nodded a bit, looking shocked.

Holly placed and orb on the floor and told them to look. Everybody leaned in and Holly turned.

Blinding light. Everybody was knocked out. They'd awake in a bit, with the headache of the century.

Exhausted, Holly sank into a chair, only to realize someone was slapping her a minute later.

Mini Me was standing on her lap.

"WHAT THE HECK!" roared Root. "We thought you were dead!"

"I saved their lives," said Holly.

Root gave Holly a lecture, with Mini Me mocking his every action by his side: finger pointing, hands on hips, fist shaking, ect. Holly fought the urge to roll her eyes.

"HUMAN!" screamed one of the Retrieval people. "SHIELD!"

"EEEEE!" shrieked Mini Me. He shielded. Holly tried, but couldn't

A toddler ambled in from the bathroom, pointed at Holly and said something in Italian, and then crawled into its Mum's lap for a nap.

"Holly!" shouted Root, sticking his pinky into his mouth. "You came here with no magic."

"I haven't had time to go do the-"

"DO IT NOW AND MEET ME IN MY OFFICE!"

Mini Me put his hands on his hips and nodded. Holly sighed and flew to a spot in Ireland. Tara would be full of dancing hippies on this full moon night. Holly didn't want to deal with that.

She landed at a peaceful spot and went to get her acorn.

Not too far way, in a cam tent, Artemis Fowl and Butler watched through binoculars.

"Groovy," breathed Artemis, seeing a short person land. The proportions weren't right for a kid, but it definitely wasn't an adult.

"Get ready."

Holly bent down at the moment a dart flew over her head. She whipped around and seen two humans; one was huge.

"Stay back, human, you don't know what you're dealing with," hissed Holly.

"Au contraire, baby, _you _don't know what you're dealing with," said Artemis.

Holly tried to mesmer them, but the humans stepped into moonlight and she could see that they were wearing mirrored sunglasses.

"How-?"

A dart in the leg took all thoughts away.

Holly awoke and opened her eyes, feeling foggy. She was in a concrete room. A shorter Mud Man stood over her, his square mirrored glasses on.

"Hi, baby," he said, smiling. Crooked teeth. Holly winced and tried to sit up.

"I have magic," said Holly. "Do you know what I could do to you?"

The man smiled. "You have none. You were about to do the Ritual, but never finished. You're empty. I'm holding you for a ransom, so I can get a large amount of your fairy gold."

"What gold?" Holly played dumb.

"Ooh, I know all your secrets," said Artemis. "We had you on a drip for seventy two hours. I even know what color underwear you got on."

Holly blushed. He knew about the pink undies with little red hearts all over them. Gah!

Artemis grinned. "So, shall we shag now, or shag later?"

Holly gaped and stammered. "Never would I-even if we were the last people on earth-I-you disgusting-"

Artemis frowned. Normally women jumped at the chance to get in the sack with him. Heck, he'd screwed that horrid old sprite in Ho Chi Minh.

"I'll be back."

Apparently everyone knew about mirrored sunglasses, because a blonde Mud Maiden came in, and although Holly was sweet and flattered her, this girl, Juliet, refused to remove her sunglasses.

Holly could feel that the acorn was in her boot. She just had to plant it…somehow…

_Haven_

Goldmember Kelp was at home, watching old human westerns. His communicator rang and he opened it up, to see Foaly Basil's worried face.

"Listen, you need to get with the rest of Retrieval and head to Fowl Manor," said Foaly, using a carrot to stir some cream and sugar into his tea. "It's Holly. A Mud Man has kidnapped her! Get Mulch, if you can, we might have need of his impressive talent."

Goldmember sighed. Mulch? Mulch was a pain in the ass, despite his impressive abilities of eating dirt and spewing it out the other end. He was also a kleptomaniac and always getting into trouble for sneaking into Mud Men homes. Of course, that was part of the reason why he was so valuable. He'd already lost his magic a long time ago due to his thieving ways, so he could enter into this Fowl Manor without horrible results…

He found the porky dwarf lurking in a bar in the poorer sort of town. Mulch objected of course, not to keen to help the LEP out (also he wanted to finish the whole roasted cow he was eating), but he really didn't have a choice when Goldmember dragged him out and into a shuttle with a Retrieval team headed for the surface.

"Ugh, do you have to do that?" asked Mulch, while Goldmember picked a bit of dry skin from his neck.

"Oh, that's a keeper, yes, oh yes," said Goldmember, putting the bit of skin into a little gold compact.

"That's nasty!" Mulch shook with his disgust, his rolls and three chins jiggling.

"Shut up, be a good elf, and I'll give you a smoke and a pancake."

"A what?"

"Shut your crepe and a cigar hole."

"Huh?"

_SMACK!_

Foaly had done a time stop over the manor. The plan was to get Holly out and blue rinse the place. The hard part was actually doing it, and in time.

Artemis was watching the monitors and he knew about the time stop and that the fairies had placed one over the manor.

"The game begins," said Artemis. "Man, with all this gold, I'll be able to upgrade the special penis pump I invented…"

Juliet came in, sexy as always, even though she was just wearing a simple pair of cargo pants and a pink, fitted T-shirt. She had a braid with a jade piece at the end. Despite her prettiness and simple girly clothes, she could kick your ass and hand it to you on a silver platter with fixin's.

Artemis had a big crush on Juliet, even though she was Butler's sister. He started panting and put two fingers by the side of his head, like wolf ears. He started making purring noises. Juliet rolled her eyes.

"Not a chance, Arty."

Butler peered in and saw Artemis horning after his little sister.

"Don't make me go rogue on your ass."

Artemis quickly pretended to be polishing his little gold necklace that was shaped like the symbol for the male gender. Even Butler, loyal as he was, had his limits.

Holly was thinking in her cell. Her bed was loose enough to shake. An idea formed. She began thumping the frame up and down, up and down.

Artemis walked in.

"Hey, baby, what are you thumping the bed for? I could help, maybe…?"

Holly glared at him. He was kind of cute. What was she thinking? Ugh, a Mud Man, who kidnapped her! She must be developing Stockholm Syndrome or something like that…

"Go away!" she screeched.

Juliet came in later. "You're making an awful lot of racket you know, what are you doing?"

"I'm bored and hungry! Aren't you going to feed me? I want a salad! With washed vegetables! Or are you humans to crude to know anything about washing?"

Juliet huffed. "I'll have you know, with the workouts I do, I often shower two or three times a day!" She stalked off to make the rude elf a salad.

Holly continued thumping the bed frame. Eventually cracks appeared in the concrete, followed by more and more…

Retrieval had gathered outside the mansion.

"You do this job, and we slash ten years off your sentence," said Goldmember. "We got a warrant for you, but we could make a deal."

"Amnesty."

"Not a chance."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"You fat bastard, Mulch!" yelled Goldmember.

Mulch put on the sad face, his three chins wobbling. "That hurts! I only steal and eat because I'm unhappy you know! And I'm unhappy because I steal and eat."

A real tear trickled out his eye, followed by a large fart.

The team began pinching their noses shut, and gagging. Goldmember stopped in the process of eating some peeled skin from his neck. One elf thought he'd be bright and just close the visor on his helmet, but a large amount of stink had already gotten inside so, he ended up nearly suffocating himself on the trapped air, because his visor somehow got stuck and wouldn't open. He ran around in a panic until he smashed face first into the side of the parked shuttle and knocked himself out cold.

Mini Me just slumped to the ground, green.

"Oh, even a dwarf like me would say that stinks!" that Mulch, waving his hands. "Oh, wafting, wafting! You know when you walk into a fairies apartment building, and you smell other elves cooking, and you say, "Oh, what are they cooking? Rotten vole curry? That…plus crap…"

"Just, just get going!" said Goldmember.

"Fine," huffed Mulch, burrowing into the ground, his giant wobbly (and hairy) behind vanishing soon.

Mulch chomped his way through the soil and into the wine cellar of the mansion.

"Oh, 1929 Chablis," said Mulch. He popped the cork and guzzled it down.

"Ah, nothing like a bit of liquid courage," he said, tiptoeing up the stairs and listening at the door. He heard nothing, so he crept out and into the hallway.

He was looking to see if he could find Holly, and also the fairy book that Artemis had. Foaly was talking in his ear on an ear cam, helping him out a bit along the way.

Mulch found a safe behind a large painting and opened it, only to find nothing of much importance.

"Look elsewhere." Crunching sounds be heard; Foaly eating carrots.

"No, the frame of this painting is too thick. Viola! Another hidden safe. How clever…

Inside was indeed a photocopy of the Fairy Book. Mulch took it out, and suddenly heard a faint noise behind him. Someone was coming to surprise him.

Mulch pretended not to notice and scratched his large hairy behind, undoing the butt flap as if by accident.

Butler, who was doing the sneaking noticed the fat, short, hairy man now had his rear exposed. Ugh, not pretty.

Suddenly a fart of epic proportions erupted from Mulch's backside with such force, the dwarf was forced to brace him against the edge of the painting, otherwise he'd be blasted into the safe, and it would be hard work to get his fat ass out once wedged in.

Butler registered the awful stink and found himself flying through the air, propelled backwards by the blast. He crashed into the wall, hit his head, and passed out.

"Oh, think I might have pinched a rose bud off on that one." Mulch tittered gleefully and tiptoed out.

"You've made your presence known-loudly I might add," Foaly added. "Get out quick and get back."  
Mulch hurried back to the wine cellar and began burrowing. Suddenly he realized if he went back, they'd slap cuffs on him and send him to jail for his last escapade: Sneaking into Angelina Jolie's house and trying to steal her panties. He had the paper copy of the Fairy Book away from the Mud Men, so he could take it with him, and just destroy it somewhere.

The last thing Foaly heard on the ear piece was Mulch screaming in terror and shouting about a cave in. Foaly heard Mulch give a final terrified, blood curdling scream and then everything cut off. The vital signs from the ear and eye piece went crazy for a moment, and then flat lined.

"Mulch!" shouted Foaly, his British accent getting thicker, as it usually did when he was agitated. "Mulch! Pick up!" He radioed Root and Goldmember. "Mulch died in a cave in!" Foaly didn't mention that he had inkling: Mulch fight have just switched his equipment to a rabbit and killed it, and then tunneled off, free, but he really didn't care.

Root stuck his pinky into his mouth. This did nothing to calm him, so he lit a cigar. "Frick it! I lost the person we sent in there, we still don't have Holly, and were running out of time. Throw me a fricken bone here!"

Mini Me lit his own version of a cigar, a cigarillo, which he puffed.

Retrieval decided to shield and march up to the manor and get in. However, Artemis, watching the front on his camera, paused an image and flicked through a few still frames. There! A bunch of black clad figures, carrying weapons. Butler, who had finally come around, wobbled into the room.

"Where were you?"

"I-uh-!" How would he explain to Artemis that he gotten taken by a fart.

"Never mind, I saw the clip," replied Artemis, neglecting to mention he'd saved it. What awesome entertainment he'd have later. Almost as good as the film he had from the secret camera he'd installed in Juliet's bathroom…

Butler went outside with instructions, and a special set of goggles, made from the fairy tech Artemis had pilfered from the elf and fiddled with.

The elves outside thought they were invisible, until Butler started delivering roundhouse kicks and shouting "HIIIIIYAAAAH!" while dealing out karate chops.

The fairies were dumped into a pile, except for one.

"You tell your superiors to send someone who can negotiate, someone at the top," said Butler. "And round up all the weapons and make a pile over here."

It was Goldmember's half brother (fathered by Root, long story) Scotty Kelp.

"An officer never surrenders his weapons."

"What's that?" Butler shook him a bit, holding him by his collar.

"SCOTTY DON'T!"

"What?"

Scott gulped. "An officer never willingly surrenders his weapons or tech to the enemy."

"Just thought I'd try."

Scotty was released, who ran back to the main fairy area, arms flailing.

"I would like to remind everyone that he is the only one in the family who runs like a girl," said Goldmember as Scotty came back.

Scotty relayed the message.

"Come on," sighed Root to Mini Me. "You can come with me, get some training. Time to negotiate."

He went and banged on the door, him and his companion's hands raised to show there were no weapons. The massive Mud Man mountain opened the door and allowed them in. Root had to wait outside a door. There was a noise like someone was peeing. It went on for a very long time, then stopped, started again, started again for a bit…Stop…Go…Stop…

"What the heck man! Get your fricking prostate examined or something!" Root bellowed.

"Okay, you can come in now. Orange juice just goes right through me…"

Artemis was in a large, heart shaped hot tub in a huge downstairs bathroom.

"What the heck?" mumbled Root.

"Just relaxing," said Artemis, coolly. "Now I'm going to tell you the terms you'll agree to if you want your shagable elf again."

"If you hurt her-!" began Root.

"No, she's not that into me, shocking," said Artemis, adjusting his glasses. Obscene amounts of chest hair peeked from the water. Had this guy never heard of manscaping?

"You know you should get some wax or a razor for that forest you got growing on your chest," pointed out Root. "You probably got woodland animals nesting in there."

"Oh, be careful, I could have Butler smack your bottom."

Mini Me cast a terrified look at Butler, and then clamped his hands over his butt cheeks.

Artemis continued. "I want the fairy gold. All of it, and I give you Holly."

"You know we could blue rinse this place."

Artemis smiled, showing his crooked teeth. "I know how to escape the time stop."

"Nonsense, no one can."

"I can."

Root stared at Artemis, his hands on his hips. Mini Me mocked his actions, glaring at Artemis.

"Fine."

They would send in the gold, if there next option failed…

Root left and Artemis sprang from the tub naked and began dancing through the manor, naked.

"I win! I'm gonna be rich! Yeah baby, yeah!"

For some reason, music began blaring through the manor while Artemis danced around. Luckily there was always some mildly comic object placed in a way to hide Artemis's private bits, wherever he decided to strike a pose. A pair of buns left on a plate in the dining room to hide Artemis's own buns. Juliet blowing up a huge long balloon when Artemis stopped in front of her. Juliet screeched and dropped the balloon. Artemis turned and Juliet held up a pair of giant round lollipops just in time, covering Artemis's butt.

"I think I just lost my appetite."

"Weren't you supposed to be making a salad for the prisoner?" asked Butler.

"Oh, yeah…"

Artemis finally stopped dancing around long enough, but only after he'd danced through Holly's cell.

"EEEEEK!" squealed Holly, when Artemis came bursting in, with all his manhood on display. She had almost cracked through the concrete.

"GOLD! Yeah baby! Hit it!" He turned around, presenting his bottom to the shocked elf.

Holly, realizing this guy wasn't that bad looking, was taken a hold of for a moment by his sexiness and she gave Artemis's booty a smack. The gleeful man skipped out. Holly sat stunned, realizing what she had just done.

Holly finally got a bit of dirt to show through the concrete, and she planted her acorn, chanting the words over it. Magic flooded into her body.

Time to make those humans pay.

Juliet came in with the salad. She couldn't see the elf and removed her glasses grumbling about sixties they were…

"You're feeling very calm," said a voice, and Holly appeared. "You'll stay in here, okay?"

"But it'll be so boooring."

"Wreslting is on the TV, wrestling all day long, no commercials."

"Swweeeet."

Juliet sat on the bed and stared at the wall, her mind supplying images that weren't there, thanks to Holly's memser.

Holly shielded again and tiptoed out. She wanted her helmet back and had an idea of where it would be.

She crept around, trying to shake images of Artemis from her head. He was really quite sexy. She had to shake her head to clear it. She shouldn't be thinking like that.

At that moment, a full grown bull troll crashed through the front door.

Artemis came skidding into the hall at the commotion, followed by Butler.

"Oh, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom!" shouted Artemis, as the troll knocked a very expensive oil painting of a nude lady off the wall.

And a smacked bottom that troll did get. After Butler strapped on some armor from a suit near the stairs, He took an axe and smacked the troll around for a bit, until it fell down on its face, and then Butler proceeded to spank its butt with the axe.

The troll howled and kicked its feet and fists before getting up and running outside in terror, where LEP had to sedate it. The troll would never be the same, and would the rest of its life in a special zoo like area for trolls, often huddled in a corner, sucking its thumb.

Holly had snuck off to get her wings and helmet, and was in the hall. A hover trolley loaded with gold came wheeling in by itself.

"Well, you won your gold," said Holly. "But they'll blue rinse the place, you know they will."

Artemis smiled. "I know how to escape it. It's a groovy plan, baby, yeah! Hey, how much would it cost for a wish?"

Holly, staring at Artemis's manly chest hair felt her heart rate speed up, and she coiled a short piece of her red hair around a finger. "Wellll…"

Butler unloaded the gold, trying to not to hear the loud noises coming a bedroom upstairs as the two got it on. Butler was pretty sure he heard the headboard break.

The two came out, Holly's suit still half unzipped, Artemis's bathrobe flapping around loosely. Butler got an eyeful of something he didn't want to see.

Artemis's glasses were all crooked and steamed up. "Well, baby, you know how to convince a man. Butler, you stay here. I'll be going on a little trip…"

_Half hour later_

A garage to the side of the house suddenly opened and Artemis was driving a topless car. Root was no expert on cars, especially Mud Man ones, but looked kind of old, despite it being in flawless condition. A tag on the front said "Shagster". It sped out and Root, sucking the tip of pinky in agitation, froze. His eyes bugged out and his jaw fell open when he realized Holly was riding with him.

"Here, you can have the gold back!" she shouted, shoving a box out of the backseat. All the gold was there. "I'm eloping with this sexy man! I quite LEP!"

The car spend around the fairies. Holly had her suit unzipped a bit, showing lots of cleavage and she proceeded to rub it on the side of Artemis's face, who looked quite happy as he hit a radio button and "Beautiful Stranger" by Madonna started playing super loud.

"What-how-grrrr!" Root's head looked ready to exploded and he nearly crushed the tip of his pinky when he started grinding his teeth.

"Groovy baby!" shouted Artemis as the car zipped off.

"Say hello to my little friend," said a voice suddenly. Butler popped out with a large gun. It was really just full of blanks, to shoot the shuttle up and the area around, to scare them off. But the fairies didn't know and they began mission "Save the Commander" which involved cramming him and Mini Me into an escape shuttle.

"Does this thing work?" Root bellowed at Foaly, though his ear piece.

"Of course," said Foaly, sipping some tea. "The pod will fly into outer space, and then land back on Earth, and fly itself to Haven. Unless you land in the ocean, and then we have to come find you and that could take a while, weeks maybe…"

"WHAT?!"

But it was too late, the shuttle blasted off and into the atmosphere. Part of it came loose and fell off as they hit a high speed. Root sure hoped that piece wasn't needed. Interestingly, it changed the shape of the pod into a giant-

"PENS! Get your giant pens here!" shouted a man, holding up Disney themed pens at a booth in Florida. "I got all kinds of giants Pens!" He peered into the sky. "Hey it's a giant-"

"Johnson! What is that in the sky?" shouted another man.

A second man shrugged. "I don't know. It looks like a giant-"

"Footlong! Five dollar foot longs!" shouted a guy in a different part of the US, holding up a sign by the road to get people to come to the sub shop. "What-? Is that a-"

"Dong!" shouted a Japanese man at a student in the school room. They were supposed to be studying the effects of obesity in America, largely contributed to the fattening five dollar, mayo laden hoagies sold there. "Mr. Dong, why are you not paying attention!?"

The student pointed. "There is a large-"

"COCK!" shouted a man in Wyoming, chasing after a male rooster on his farm. He gave up and wiped the sweat from his forehead, and looked up. "Why is there a giant-

"SCHLONG!" three men at a football game a few hundred miles away could see it and they stood up pointing.

"Dinglydangler!"

"Sausage!"

"One eyed snake!"

Root was furious when he realized his shuttle looked like a giant wang floating through space. Oh well he'd cut Foaly's budget when he got back…

_Las Vegas_

Artemis and Holly lay in bed, nude, having just consummated their wedding.

"Congratulations, _Mrs. _Fowl," said Artemis, showing his bad teeth.

"Thank you, my sexy beast," said Holly. "Let's eat something, I'm starving."

Room service was delivered and Holly put on a sheer little silk bathrobe and skipped over to the cart and started to pour some champagne. Artemis pulled out his special phone to give Butler a ring when-

Holly started jerking and acting funny. Artemis looked at his phone and her. Was it some kind of signal because of his phone? It was pretty strong. He had added a whole bunch of things to his phone, including the world's largest library of porn...

Suddenly Holly's face exploded off. Artemis shrieked, and then realized she was a robot under his skin!

The robot jerked some more and then exploded. Artemis hid under the bed and wasn't hurt. He emerged. What the heck? Why was Holly a robot?

Her hand with the ring landed near and Artemis picked up. "My wife! I'm already a widow!"

…

…

"I'M SINGLE AGAIN!"

And Artemis proceeded to dart out of his room, not bothering to question why Holly was a robot in the first place, or how they done all those things to each other while naked, without him noticing anything odd. Although maybe that was the reason why she could hold her breath for so long underwater in the hot tub…

Artemis ran around the hotel, dancing butt ass naked, happy to be single again.

"Yeah, baby!"

The End.


	11. Artemis Gets FatThen Sexy!

**Artemis Fowl Gets Fat…Then Super Sexy!**

** Just for the stories sake, Opal is not dead.**

** There is mature content in this one, but no lemons.**

"Artemis," said Butler, entering into the study, "I'm going to the gym to work out, don't you want to come with me?"

"No, I'm busy," mumbled Artemis, scarfing down a huge slice of cheesecake, while staring at his Powerbook laptop.

"Okay," said Butler, leaving. He noticed Artemis seemed to be eating a lot of food lately. Probably because he was so depressed. Holly had gotten in trouble at work, and Trouble, in a douche bag mood that day, told her no surface visits for six months. Artemis, hating the fact he couldn't see his beloved elf girl for so long, turned to food for comfort. It had only been a few weeks, but already Artemis looked to have gained more than a few pounds.

It would have only been three months, but after Holly punched Trouble in the nose, it got extended to six months.

Opal came to the manor and entered into Artemis's study.

"Okay, we have to plan my next nefarious scheme, and how you will stop me, that way Eoin Colfer has something to write about," said Opal, dumping a file folder on the desk. The label said, "Past Nefarious Schemes."

"Can't this wait?" asked Artemis, starting on another slice of cheesecake.

"Wait?" screeched Opal. "I took a shuttle here, and had to wait in lines at the shuttle port in Haven, and sit next to a gassy pixie and-"

She nattered on, pissed. Artemis sighed and started on some caviar, wishing Holly was here.

"I'm working on stocks, and some other stuff," said Artemis.

"Not that I care, but why do you look all depressed?"

"Holly can't come visit me for six months," moaned Artemis.

"So, who cares?"

Besides, if Holly can't come visit, we can't do any of your schemes, because she is a major part of it, helping me to stop you."

"Well, you could just let me win, and take over the world," said Opal.

"The readers of Eoin Colfer's books would be very displeased to find that you took over the world," replied Artemis.

Opal scowled. "Damn, guess you're right. And lay off the cheesecake, you looking a bit pudgy."

Opal stalked out.

Artemis frowned. Pudgy? He looked at himself. It wasn't that bad. Okay, his suit buttons were straining a little, but he could go on a diet tomorrow.

Tomorrow came and went, and Artemis, depressed, gnawed his way through lots of cheesecake and caviar. He started to look quite rotund.

Butler came into Artemis room one day and received quite a surprise.

Artemis had built some sort of contraption in his room. One of those type where you pull a string or something to get it started and it triggers a long chain reaction. Artemis pulled a string, and a small ball started to roll down a little slide, where it hit a few dominos, knocking them over, which then knocked over a block of wood, which hit the lever on a toaster, causing the bread to disappear inside and for it to heat up. The heat singed a string causing a knife to be released which cut another string holding down a small catapult. A piece of cheesecake in the catapult flew through the air and landed squarely in Artemis's mouth.

Artemis chewed, reclining on his bed. "Perfect trajectory."

"Oookay," said Butler. "Artemis, I hate to say it but-"

"Yes, I'm fat, I know," said Artemis, putting a hand over his eyes. "Woe and misery is me! I can't even fit into my suits! I had to wear-" he trembled and looked ready to faint from terror and could only whisper the last word, "-sweatpants."

The sweatpants in question where gray and had (horror of horrors) a drawstring. Butler had to rub his eyes and look again. Artemis never wore sweatpants. Angeline had tried to get Artemis to wear a pair to preschool when he was two and a half, and it was chilly outside. Artemis had refused.

_Flashback_

_ "Artemis, just wear these, their cute, they fit, and it's chilly outside. Lots of kids wear sweatpants."_

_ Artemis pointed and gasped at the offending drawstring sweatpants. "Common people were those!" He shook a chubby little toddler fist at his mother and pouted._

_ "Now, Artemis, you are wearing these, I actually spent some nice money on these-"_

_ "Butler, help me! Don't let Mummy put those horrible things on me!" Artemis was by now clinging to Butlers leg and trying to climb up. "Mummy is trying to put me in sweatpants! THEY HAVE A DRAWSTRING!"_

_ End flashback._

Artemis was wearing a T-shirt that he must have borrowed from his father. It said, "Crime lord's National Reunion Fun Party, 2010". It looked quite stretched.

"Artemis, you are going to start working out," said Butler firmly. "It's only been two months, but yet you've put on a scary amount of weight." He rattled off a list of health problems, including heart disease and diabetes. "What am I going to tell Madame Ko if you die of health problems because I let you get obese? Come on, let's go to the gym."

Artemis recoiled and hissed. "I hate working out!"

Butler heaved and hauled until he had dragged Artemis to the gym next to the house. Juliet was just finishing push-ups.

"1498, 1499, 1500, DONE!" She sprang up, having barely even broken a sweat.

"Artemis needs to lose weight," said Butler. "A lot, before we have to start rolling him places."

Juliet rolled her eyes. "That's not nice Butler. He's just depressed."

"I don't wanna workout," Artemis pouted, his three chins waggling.

"Listen, Holly will be able to come back in around four months," said Juliet. "Don't you want to look nice?"

Artemis squinted his eyes. "Yes."

So Butler and Juliet got Artemis to do a huge amount of push-ups (50) an inhumane amount of crunches and bicycle kicks (sixty each) plus a bunch of other things that Artemis hated, along with running and special exercises that Juliet created. Some were complicated and involved standing on one foot while holding the other foot at a certain angle, bending one way while lifting ten pounds and hopping to the other foot. Artemis was pretty sure someone invented them just to torture him.

Butler hid all the cheesecake and made Artemis eat healthy meals and snacks, and drink lots of water.

The plan worked pretty good. After a few months, Artemis had lost all the weight, and another surprising change had happened as well…

Holly and Opal took a shuttle together to the surface. Holly was happy to be seeing Artemis, but didn't overly enjoy Opal's company.

"We can now think of another plan for me to take over the world and you guys stop me," said Opal. "Then Eoin Colfer can write about it and make loads of money. My plan is so great, even Minerva Paradizo is coming to be a part of it, since she was never a part of another book after The Lost Colony."

"So what is it this time?" asked Holly.

"I was thinking of me dressing in a giant pickle suit and-"

Holly cut her off, not really caring. "Were almost there."

Once they arrived at Fowl Manor, they stepped inside. Artemis was waiting for them.

"Holly!" he said reaching to embrace.

Holly blinked, blinded a bit from the bright sunlight outside. "Hey Artemis! How's it going-Oooh!"

Hugging Artemis, she could feel something that felt like (did she dare think it?) muscles?

Holly looked at Artemis. He was wearing a nice suit, as usual (unbeknownst to Holly, the sweatpants had been burned to ashes outside after Artemis lost weight and was literally bulging with muscles. His chest was a rippling field of them, his arms bulged, and he looked like he awesome.

Holly goggled at Artemis, her eyes bugging out. Even Opal stared, wondering if there was a six pack under his shirt. She wished had x-ray vision.

"Artemis, you changed," said Holly, remember to close her jaw and push her eyes back in.

"Oh, yeah, Butler got me doing this workout plan."

Holly couldn't help it. She reached a small hand out to touch his stomach. She could feel the six pack. Wait forget six pack; it was more like a ten pack.

"Oui, oui, Artemis!" said a voice.

Minerva Paradizo stood in the doorway.

"Oh, hi," said Artemis. "Glad you could make it."

Minerva rushed forward to hug him, her blond curls bouncing.

"You had some work done?" asked Minerva, pressing her implant boobs against him. "Me too! I got bigger boobs!"

"Um, that's nice," said Artemis. "But I didn't get work done. I just exercised."

Minerva purred, touching all of Artemis muscles, purring as she did so. "Oui, Artemis, you have gotten sexy."

Holly was feeling jealous. "Stop rubbing all him, you French whore. He likes me better!" she blurted.

She blushed suddenly, realizing what she just said.

"I'm better looking that you," said Opal, suddenly. "Back off, Holly! Muscle man is mine!"

Minerva scowled. "Neither of you are even human. Artemis belongs to moi!"

"I knew him first," said Holly, gritting her teeth. She elbowed Minerva out of the way and fondled Artemis's pectoral muscles. "Artemis likes me better." She batted her eyes at Artemis.

Well, it was true, Artemis did like Holly better, but he didn't know where all this sudden jealously was coming from. Like, honestly, Opal too? Artemis wondered if Juliet had slipped some kind of pheromone in his herbal teas.

Minerva, not appreciating the fact that a short fairy had just elbowed her off, shoved Holly. "Back off, elf girl!"

"Make me!"

"Get out of my way!" said Opal, pushing them aside, to take her turn at fondling the muscle god before her. "Oh, Artemis, I know I never said it, but I always really liked you!"

"You guys, seriously, what is-" began Artemis. But Minerva smacked Opal and Holly.

It was war.

Holly bitch slapped Minerva and pushed Opal, who pushed back. In a second, all three were grappling and rolling around on the floor, trying to rip each other's clothes and hair out, and scratch each other's eyes out, as girls usually do it seems when fighting over a man (or at least they do on Jerry Springer).

"Ladies!" said Artemis, shocked at such behavior.

"He is mine!" said Holly, chomping down on Minerva's arm.

After all the cat scratching, and hair tugging, and smacking, Minerva, who had been wearing a sun dress, had her sleeves ripped off, so now it clung around her perfect, cosmetically enhanced implant breasts, and was in danger of falling down entirely.

That meant lots of cleavage was showing.

It could even mean a nip slip.

This got Artemis's attention.

Holly, who had been wearing a jeans and T shirt combo, ended up having her entire shirt ripped off. She was wearing a pink lacy bra. Artemis started sweating. The buttons off Opal's dress shirt had come off and her shirt was open, revealing a very lacy black bra. Artemis was sweating profusely trying to fan himself with his hand.

The girls kept fighting and ended up chasing each other into the kitchen. Artemis followed, panting slightly.

There was pitcher of cold water on the table and Minerva grabbed it and threw it at Holly. Holly was all shiny and wet now. Artemis was practically panting like a dog now.

Opal grabbed a can of whipped cream and sprayed it over the both of them. Artemis could just imagine himself licking that off. Holly threw a bowl of strawberries at Minerva. Strawberries and whipped cream! Even better!

Minerva tried to drown Opal in a bowl of Jell-o that had yet to be placed in the fridge to thicken. Amidst the lemon lime gurgling, Holly started spanking Minerva with a spatula.

The whole time they were shouting things like, "He's my man!" and "He likes me better!" and the ever classic insult, "You're a whore!" Minerva was shouting all kinds of French curse words at them both.

Artemis couldn't help himself. Something was swelling down south and his pants were going to cut off the circulation soon, if he didn't do something.

Suddenly, Angeline and Butler walked in, carrying groceries from the car. They froze in shock.

Minerva was shoving Opal's face into a bowl of blueberries. Her chest was in danger of popping out any moment. Holly was in jeans and bra and they both had whipped cream and strawberries all over them. Opal was covered in Jell-o and her shirt was open. Holly still had the spatula in one hand and was in mid swing. Artemis was unbuttoning his pants, his eyes bugging out at the three girls before him.

It looked like a scene from girls gone wild.

"We'll just leave you to your-um-uh-clean this up when you're done." Angeline and Butler hastily retreated.

The girls looked at Artemis, realizing he was watching them intently. "Anybody want to come up stairs and play with my trouser snake?"

A spatula flew toward his head.


	12. Artemis Babysits

**Artemis Baby Sits**

** Beckett and Myles are about five in this story.**

** Finally, my computer is virus and bug free. Yippee! Here is another chapter.**

Angeline called Artemis down to the foyer.

"My friend and I are going to Dublin for the day, so I need you to watch the twins and Mrs. Junkin's children, Sally and Sammy? Can you do that?"

Artemis looked at the children. Sally was 2 and Sammy was only ten monthes old. They were strapped securely into a double stroller and were looking at Artemis with their angelic blue eyes.

Artemis suppressed a sigh. He needed to work on some important stuff on his Power Book, but he didn't want to disappoint his mother.

"Sure," he said.

After all, how hard could it be? He'd babysat the twins no problem.

He rolled the children into his study, where the twins were sitting in chairs and conjugating French verbs in their notebooks.

"I am finished," stated Myles. "But the simpletoon is busy doodling."

"No more Frenchy verbs," said Beckett, drawing a picture of a toilet with an ejector seat.

"Beckett, what use could there possibly be for an ejector seat in a toilet?"

"Earthquake?" Beckett shrugged. "Emergency evacuation?"

Artemis wondered what to do with the children.

"Here, read these two a story, so I can work on my computer," said Artemis, motioning to the stroller. "This is Sally and Sammy. Sally and Sammy, meet Beckett and Myles."

Myles began reading them defintions from the dictionary of words he thought were interesting.

Artemis sat at his desk and began working. This baby sitting thing was pretty easy...

"No! Sally!"

Artemis looked up. Myles was wrestling the dictionary away from Sally, who had the corner clutched in her chubby hands.

"Miiiinnee!"

"You're going to rip it!"

Artemis intervened and pried Sally's fingers off (which were strangely sticky). She wailed harder and began flailing her little arms and legs! "MY BOOK!"

"No, it's Myles-"

"MIIIINNEE!"

Artemis sighed. "I demand you cease and dissist these outrageous actions, at once!"

Sally smacked Artemis on the nose.

"OW!"

He clutched his nose. Sally giggled and clapped her hands. "More! More owie Arty!"

Why did everyone think they could just start calling him Arty?

"No more sma-"

SMACK!

"OW!"

Sally giggled and waved her hands. Sammy clapped his hands and smiled, drooling a bit.

Beckett got up and pretended to walk and then trip, sending the babies into peals of laughter. Since these two seemed to find it hilarious watching others harm and injure themselves, Artemis left Beckett to it and tiptoed back to his desk, rubbing his smarting nose.

"Sammy is getting out of his stroller," said Myles.

Artemis sighed and looked up. Sure enough, the baby had been tugging on and yanking on the strap and was free. He wiggled out of the stroller and began to crawl across the carpet.

"Myles, put him back in."

"Maybe he needs exercise," said Myles.

"No, put him back in before he hurts himself."

"I'm not the baby sitter, you are."

"You sit on babies!" Becketts jaw dropped.

"No, I just watch them."

Artemis went to Sammy and placed him back into the stroller and tried to strap him back in. But the snap was broken.

"Well, I guess we can let him crawl, but just stay with him and keep him entertained so he doesn't start chewing on anything of mine."

Myle got on the floor with Beckett, Sally and Sammy. Beckett was letting Sally scribble with some paper and pencils and markers. Artemis sighed and went back to his computer.

After a few quiet minutes, Artemis looked up and realized Sally was scribbling on the wall-with a permanent marker.

"Sally!" shouted Artemis. Sally turned and looked at him and gave him a smile that was rather evil for a two year old, and then commence her scribbling.

"Beckett, get her!"

"She's adding artsy design!" said Beckett. "I wanna help!"

Beckett began scribbling on the wall with a pencil.

"Ooh, your in trouble," said Myles from behind a chair, playing peekaboo with Sammy.

Sally grabbed a book off the bottom shelf as Artemis got up, intending to consficate all writing supplies. It was a very old, expensive book Artemis had bought from an antique collector.

"NOOO!" Everything seemed to go in slow motion as Artemis tried to run across the study. Sally brandished her marker with a malicious giggle and-

-scibbled all over the cover.

Artemis snatched the book and the marker. Sally wailed and Artemis tried not to sob. A pricless book. Why the heck had he left it in the reach of children!

He stuffed the book on a higher shelf and ran around the room collecting all markers and pencils.

"No more drawing, Beckett, you especially should know better." He figured it was pointless trying to get any work done. Everytime he looked up, the kids were up to something and the twins were no help at all.

Sally cried. "Hungee! Wunch! Wunch!"

"_Lunch_," corrected Artemis. What did toddlers and babies eat anyway?

He picked up Sammy and carried him to the kitchen. Myles holdng Sally's hands, Beckett following. A highchair had been left in the kitchen for their usage, plus a booster seat for Sally.

He wished Butler would cook something, but he was sick in bed with the flu. Butler rarely ever got sick, and the one day Artemis really needed his cooking skill, he got the flu. What luck.

"What do you like to eat?" Artemis asked Sally.

Sally sucked her thumb for a moment. "Choco miwk!

"Miwk?"

"Milk," said Myles. "I would like some too, with a grilled asiago and goat cheese sandwich and some caviar and crackers, please."

"I want dinosaur chicken nuggets!" said Beckett. "With worms."

"No worms," said Artemis.

"But Mum said I could!"

Myles was digging in the pantry and pulled out a bag of gummy worms. "These worms?"

"Yesss!"

"No sweets before lunch," said Artemis. He sighed. Where to begin? He figured the nuggets would need a few minutes in the oven so he preheated it and then put some nuggets on a baking tray and shoved them in and set the timer. Then he tried to make a grilled cheese sandwich, but sandwich making was not his forte so Myles recieved something that looked like bread and cheese smashed into a rather shapeless lunch. Myles poked at it and then cast Artemis a look.

"Look, I'm not Butler, or Mum, so make do."

The timer went off and luckily the nuggets were only a little burnt. He set out caviar and crackers and chocolate milk for everybody except himself. Sammy chugged his down gleefully, dribbing a good deal down his front.

He gave some crackers and caviar to Sally.

She took a bite and spit it out, and then threw the cracker across the room.

"That caviar cost a fortune!" said Artemis. "Don't throw it!"

"Ucky!"

She would only eat the nuggets and Sammy had some as well. Then Beckett shared his gummy worms with them.

"We should go to play room," said Myles.

"Yeah, good idea." Artemis picked up Sammy.

At that moment, Sammy let out a burping, retching noise, and a splatter of chocolate and chicken vomit sprayed out on Artemis's shirt. It smelled horrible! Like foul milk and chicken left for hours in the sun and then buried in a litterbox for a fortnight.

Artemis stood frozen, holding Sammy in the air, in shock, vomit soaking his silk shirt and expensive dress pants. Worse still, some was dripping onto his favorite loafers.

Apparently Sammy wasn't done. Another retching burping noise and a blast hit Artemis in the face. This smelled like a mixture of formula and whatever else the baby had eaten earlier. Artemis set Sammy in his high chair and stumbled to the sink in shock.

He, the Great Artemis Fowl the Second, was covered in baby upchuck.

Myles and Beckett were giggling behind there hands. Sally was busy grabbing handfuls of caviar from it's container and throwing it on the floor.

"Doggee?" she asked.

"We don't have one," said Myles.

Artemis tried to wipe most of the vomit off his face and clothes. He stuck his head under hte water faucet to try and rinse as much as possible from his head and face. It smelled disgusting!

"Um, let's go upstairs.

He held Sammy gingerly away from him as he went upstairs, Myles helping Sally along.

He put the kids in the playroom and told them not to move while he ran to his room and removed his pukey clothes and wiped himself down with several antibacterial wipes and put on fresh clothes. He checked in Butler who was snoozing and then went to the playroom.

Sally was climbing the book shelf. Myles was trying to fit a helmet of some sort with wires and electrodes on it onto Sammy's head.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" bellowed Artemis.

"It doesn't hurt him, I'm trying to build a mind reading device-"

Artemis ran and dragged Sally off the book shelf and then removed the helmet from Sammy.

"No experimenting on the kids!"

He had his back turned for maybe thirty seconds and Sally was grabbing at a sharp instrument on a table. She cut her finger and her face turned red and her eyes scrunched up. She opened her mouth to scream but no sound came out.

_Thank goodness, _thought Artemis, reaching for her so he could disinfect the cut and put a bandaid on it.

Sally froze and then the scream let loose, with a wave of tears.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Beckett looked wideyed and yelled over the screaming. "I THINK YOU DAMAGED HER SOUL! SHE MAY NEED THERAPY LATER!"

Artemis snatched Sally up and rushed her to the bathroom and put some antiseptic on it, which only made the wailing worse. Artemis had to resort to silly faces, sticking his tongue out and crossing his eyes to quiet her down. He had read somwheres that silly faces helped.

Unfortnately, distorting his face had a scary effect and Sally started bawling harder. Beckett ran in shouting for Artemis and tripped and scraped his knee and started crying. Sally laughed at him tripping and Artemis was glad she was done. He put a bandaid on the cut and turned to Beckett and hushed him so he could clean and bandage the scrape.

"Why did you come running in here?"

"I just came to tell you something."

"What?"

"Uhhh... I can't remember now."

"My tummy hurts!" said Sally.

"Hang on, what was it, Beckett?"

"Sammy pooed himself!" shouted Myles from the play room.

Artemis picked Sally up with one arm and hightailed to it the play room.

"Oh. My. Goodness."

Sammy had indeeded pooed himself, as Myles put it so eloquently. His diaper had failed to contain the dookie and now Sammy was sitting in a pile of it on the floor, his diaper having come loose during the was smearing handfuls of it into the playroom carpet...and on himself.

Artemis stood there, slack jawed.

"My tummy," moaned Sally.

Suddenly, Sally farted and Artemis swore he felt the gust of air as her Carebear skirt blew up and watery crap suddenly spewed from the back of her training pants and splattered the floor, his second best loafers, and his pants. Then Sally heaved and projectile vomited all over Artemis's face and the walls.

"Milk make my tummy hurt," moaned Sally, before letting loose another explosion of vomit and crap.

"Oh, dearie me," said Myles.

Holly was just finishing with an above ground surviellance mission, and she was supposed to head back to his base, but she was lollygagging, spinning and flying through the sky, shielded, enjoying the fresh air.

The call button flashed on her screen. It was Artemis.

She answered. "Hey, Artemis."

"Holly, come quick!" he gasped, spluttering. "It's terrible!"

"What happened!?"

"Please help!" he was gasping. "Worse than the goblin rebellion-"

He heard a scream from the backward and Artemis shouting, "Let go!"

Holly's swore. Someone must have been attacking him. Or something else horrible! It had to be terrible, whatever it was.

She told Foaly the news and flew as fast as she could for Fowl Manor. She came in through an open window and pulled her Neutrino out and tiptoed through the manor.

She could hear shrieking and Artemis yelling down the hallway. She quickened her pace, kicked the door open-

A half naked baby was crawling around the room, going under the table and around it, smearing something that suspiciously looked like poo. Artemis was holding a vomit and crap drenched two year old on his hip, while he tried to chase the toddler, who, surprisingly (or maybe not) had more agility that Artemis.

Holly's mouth fell open as she saw that Artemis himself was covered in vomit and diarrhea.

"Holly! Help me!"

"_This _is worse than the Goblin Rebellion?"

Artemis stopped and stared at Holly as if she had grown an extra arm. "Hell yes!"

Holly was surprised to hear Artemis swearing.

"Just give me the toddler and go shower, you smell worse than a dwarf."

Artemis stumbled like a zombie to his room, trailing poo and puke as he went, mumbling about his loafers being ruined and it just couldn't be true.

By the time Artemis had taken a scalding hot shower and washed himself several times with gobs and gobs of antibacterial soap, he dressed and left his room.

In that amount of time, Holly had bathed and diapered the kids and they were sleeping on a little daybed in the corner, Sammy with his thumb firmly stuck in his mouth, and Sally, her cherubic mouth puckered slightly as she slept and dreamed (likely of ruining more of Artemis's books). Holly had even got Beckett and Myles to help clean up the worse of the dookie and puke stains in the room.

"You'll definitely need to shampoo the carpet, but the worst is gone."

"How did you manage all that?"

Holly shrugged. "I used to baby sit some of my Mum's friends kids. You have to have extra sets of eyes and be everywhere at once when watching little kids. You can turn your back for a second and they'll destroy half the room."

"You're a miracle worker," said Artemis looking at her like she was some kind of goddess. He looked at the two kids. "They look like angels now, when they're sleeping."

"So who was stupid enough to entrust you with baby sitting?"

Artemis explained.

"I've baby sat Beckett and Myles! They never acted like this."

Holly sighed. "Myles is extrememly intelligent and so is Beckett even. Remember, you were gone the first three years of there life, so you never watched them when they were babies. Besides Myles potty trained himself at a young age! Most kids don't manage it until there two and a half to three, depending. You never had to change a nappy or clean up their mess either. Your Mum did it, or Juliet, or the nanny."

Myles was waving a note. "This was in the diaper bag. Sally isn't supposed to have milk. She's lactose intolerant."

Artemis stared at the note. Well that would explain the bodily expulsions flying everywhere from both ends. Now that she had gotten rid the chocolate milk she had drank earlier, she would be fine.

Holly chuckled at Artemis one last time before leaving to go back to work. All Artemis had to do was sit quietly and give the twins a lesson in Latin until Angeline and her friend got back and the two children were collected.

"Mum," said Artemis. "Please, never again. It was a nightmare."

"Really? It didn't seem so."

"Well, let me tell you," said Artemis. "But first, we need a carpet shampooer for the play room and I'm going to need a _lot _of dry cleaning done..."


	13. Artemis Ends Up In TV

**Artemis in TV**

**This is Artemis in a couple of different TV shows, if he got put there by accident. **

**I had this as a seperate story, but it seemed no one read it, so I'll tranfer it here. So this chapter is sort of new, and the chapter right before this is new, where Artemis babysits.**

**I don't own Family Guy or Artemis Fowl or Futurama.**

Artemis sat at the long dining room table at one of his parent's fancy dinner parties. He was growing rather bored as it was dragging on. He wished he could leave and go up to his study.

The dinner plates were taken away and dessert was served. It was chocolate rum cake with organic strawberries on top. Everybody had a slice to eat on a plate.

Angeline, who had a few too many glasses of wine, giggled and picked a strawberry off the top of her slice. "Ohh, strawberries are supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Timmy and I ate them the night we made Artemis." She said this loudly enough for everyone to hear.

Thirty pairs of eyes shifted to stare at Artemis, who blushed, embarrassed. The dinner party did not need to hear details of Artemis's conception.

"I don't feel well, I'm going to excuse myself," said Artemis.

He got up and left and walked upstairs to one of the play rooms the twins used a lot and tapped on the door. Holly opened it. She and No1 were staying over, on a short vacation from work.

"Bored already?" she asked smirking.

"Yeah, pretty much," said Artemis. "Angeline-well, let's just say she's a bit much into her cups and said something embarrassing."

"Do tell," said Holly.

"I'd rather not," said Artemis.

No1 was laying on the floor, a pillow under his head and a blanket over him.

"Holly is showing me human TV," said No1, pointing at the screen. "Family Guy is about to come on."

"Or we could find some boring nonsense on the Discovery Channel," said Holly. "Family Guy is probably not your forte."

"No, Family Guy is fine," said Artemis. "I need something boring to make me relax."

"I love human TV," said No1.

Holly had the end of the long couch reclined and she crawled back onto it and got under a pile of blankets and laid her head on a pillow. Artemis snatched a blanket from her and lay down across the couch.

"Try not to kick me in the side," said Holly with a smile, making a fist. "Or I will punch you."

"I won't," yawned Artemis. He started to watch the show but he fell asleep quickly, being tired.

No1 started to get drowsy too and he started to wonder if it would be possible to put people in a TV show.

Holly had fallen asleep too and nobody noticed when Artemis disappeared from the couch with a faint pop.

Artemis realized something was wrong. He felt different.

He opened his eyes and realized he was outside, but everything looked weird, like he was in a cartoon. There was a grass, and houses, and some people walking around, but they were clearly cartoonish.

A sign at the end of the street said Spooner Street.

"What the heck?" muttered Artemis. He looked down at himself and realized he was a cartoon character himself.

"I'm in the Family Guy cartoon!" he said aloud. "SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

No1 and Holly were passed out asleep, so they didn't see cartoon Artemis yelling and waving his hands on the TV screen.

A guy with a funny shaped head popped out of the house.

"Hey, what are you doing on my lawn?" asked the man, who was wearing nothing but a short bathrobe. A breeze blew it up and Artemis got an eyeful of something he didn't want to see.

"I, uh, I'm lost," said Artemis. "I was with my friend No1 and Holly-"

"Holly?" asked the man. "Heh, oh right! Where is this Holly? I'd like to bang her-meet her. Giggity giggity giggity-Oh!"

Artemis glared at the man. "She wouldn't be into you."

"Nobody can resist the Q-man!" said the man. "I'm Quagmire. What's your name?"

"Artemis Fowl the second," said Artemis.

"Oh, well, maybe you can try at Peter's house," said Quagmire. "Our friend, Joe, is a cop, and he's over there now. He can probably help."

Quagmire grabbed his newspaper and went back inside the house.

Artemis figured he'd go to this Peters house. He realized No1 must have somehow done this, putting him into the TV show. He'd have to pretend to have amnesia and just hang around until No1 woke up and realized what he did.

He sighed. This could be hours.

He rang the door bell and a girl with a pink skull cap answered it.

She looked at him and suddenly a dreamy look crossed her face. "Hi," she said.

"I'm looking for Peter and Joe," said Artemis.

She opened the door wider and Artemis entered. Two men, one in a wheelchair and the other sitting on the couch, were drinking beer and watching TV.

A white dog walked in, holding a martini, which Artemis found rather odd and yet interesting. Then he remembered this was TV, so who knew what could happen...he could get raped by an alien for he all knew.

"This is my dad, Peter," said the girl, referring to the fat man sitting on the couch. His chin looked like balls. "And that's Joe. Oh, and this is Brian."

"Hi," said Brian, sitting on the couch.

"And I'm Meg," said Meg.

"Meg, get me another beer," said Peter, throwing his empty can at Meg's head.

Meg scowled and went off.

Artemis told them he had amnesia and didn't know how he got there.

No1, wake up and see me in the TV. Get me out! Artemis willed his thoughts to reach No1.

"Well, I don't go to the station until later, so you should just hang out here and watch TV with us," said Joe. "I'll check at the station and see if we can find anything on you. You have no idea where you came from?"

"Nope, I only remember my name," lied Artemis smoothly.

Meg came back with more beers. Peter popped his tab off when he opened it and flicked at Meg. It hit her nose.

"Score!" said Peter. "Here, Artemis, have a beer."

"He's underage," said Joe. "Or looks it."

"I'm not into beer," said Artemis.

"I'm gonna see if my wife is done making snacks," said Peter. "LOIS! I want my chips!"

He waddled off to the kitchen and came back a few minutes later with a red haired lady and a blonde, fat kid, whose chin also looked like balls.

"I told them all about you," said Peter. "This is my wife Lois and my oldest Chris."

"And your welcome to stay," said Lois.

"I'm the oldest!" said Meg. "Gosh, Dad!"

"Do you hear someone talking?" Peter asked Lois.

"Thanks for your hospitality," said Artemis.

"I'm sure Joe will be able to help you," said Lois, setting down a bowl of cheesy nachos.

A bald baby with a football head came running down the stairs and seen Artemis.

"Well, well, well," he said, going up to Artemis and climbing into his lap. "Who are you?"

"Artemis Fowl the Second," said Artemis.

"Well, state your business here!"

"Stewie, leave the nice young man alone," said Lois, picking him and setting him on her lap. She settled next to Peter. Chris and Meg sat on the floor.

They were watching some kind of sitcom. Peter laughed an annoying laugh every few minutes.

"Want to come see my room?" asked Meg, suddenly.

"Yeah, go see Meg's room," said Lois, not thinking there was anything odd about a man they just met going up to their teenage daughter's room.

Meg grabbed Artemis's hand before he could protest and dragged him up the stairs.

"Leave the door open," Lois called.

Meg ignored her mom and closed the door.

"Your mom said to leave it open," said Artemis.

Meg rolled her eyes. "Oh, who cares? So, are you going to go to school here?" Meg was thinking that Artemis was hot and she could make him be her boyfriend. Such a hot boyfriend would surely garner her a more popular status at school.

"I doubt it," said Artemis.

"Oh, but it would be so cool!" said Meg, sitting on her bed.

They could thumping footsteps coming up the stairs.

"ARTEMIS! JOE'S GOING TO THE STATION!" Peter yelled. He opened the door. "Hopefully, he'll find something about you in the records. Oh, I almost forgot."

He ran up to Meg and grabbed her head and put it where his ass was and let out a huge fart, laughed and ran out.

"Ugh!" said Meg. "DAD!"

The door slammed.

"That was rude," said Artemis, appalled.

"Everybody is so mean!" wailed Meg. "Everybody hates me!"

"I don't hate you," said Artemis.

"You don't?" sniveled Meg.

"No," said Artemis. "Why would I?"

"Oh, you're so awesome!" said Meg, suddenly hugging him. "Will you be my boyfriend!?"

"Uh-" began Artemis, not liking where this was going.

"Artemis," said Chris, opening the door.

"Chris, knock before you come in here!" said Meg.

Chris ignored Meg. "Can you help me with my homework?"

Artemis suppressed an eye roll. He was here in a TV show and someone expected him to help with homework.

"Sure."

He went downstairs, leaving Meg in her room. Once the door was closed, Meg began to talking to herself. "What's that Artemis? You'd love to be my boyfriend? Wow, that's wonderful! We'll make the best couple!"

She giggled maniacally, going a little cross eyed.

Chris made Artemis sit on the floor with him and showed him his math homework.

"It's really hard," said Chris. "And I can't concentrate in my room with the evil monkey always popping out my closet!

Artemis looked at homework, not sure what to make of the evil monkey Chris talked about. It was basic algebra. He had been doing this kind of math at the age of eight. He showed Chris how to do a few problems.

"Now do the rest yourself," said Artemis.

"Wow, thanks," said Chris.

Brian was sitting on the couch, downing his martini.

"That's bad for you, hope you know that," said Artemis.

Stewie, sitting next to him, rolled his eyes. "He's an alcoholic. He'll never stop."

Brian growled. "I can stop anytime I want! I just choose not too!"

Peter came down the stairs, naked. Normally, his belly hung low enough to cover his junk, but from Artemis's angle on the floor, he got an eyeful of everything. Why was he being flashed so much!?

Artemis covered his eyes and stared intently at the TV.

"Lois, there's no toilet paper!" shouted Peter.

The front door suddenly opened and Quagmire came in.

"Are we getting freaky?" asked Quagmire. "All right! Where's Lois?"

"Getting me toilet paper," said Peter. "Hopefully." He turned, showing his crap stained ass, and then farted, causing his cheeks to ripple. Artemis almost threw up.

"Oh, no freaky sex party?" asked Quagmire.

"Peter!" shouted Lois. "There is toilet paper under the sink! Did you not look?"

"Nooo," said Peter, narrowing his eyes.

"Don't walk around naked, especially in front of guests!" shouted Lois.

Peter went upstairs.

"So, how are you doing?" Quagmire asked Artemis.

"Fine," said Artemis, trying to scrub the horrid images of Peter's shitty ass from his face. "Joe is at work."

"Good," said Quagmire. Peter finally came downstairs fully dressed.

"You coming to the Clam?" asked Quagmire.

"After dinner," said Peter. "Lois is making me eat dinner with the family tonight."

"See you then!" Quagmire left.

Dinner was noodle caboodle. Artemis thought it odd that Stewie had what appeared to be a laser gun tucked into his red overalls.

"How'd you make that?" asked Artemis, interested that this baby seemed to be exceedingly smart.

"I made it," said Stewie. "I'm a genius. I'm going to kill Lois."

He pulled it out and aimed at Lois. He shot and missed, blowing a small hole into the wall.

"No toys at the table," said Lois, seemingly unconcerned that her infant was holding a lethal weapon.

Stewie sighed. "Guess I'll just go back to being a homosexual."

"Artemis, you can sleep in Chris's room," said Lois. "Chris, you can sleep on the couch."

"Yay!" said Chris. "No evil monkey for me tonight!"

"Chris, there is no evil monkey!" said Lois.

"Last night it tried to squeeze my titty," said Chris. Peter laughed and spit out a mouthful of chewed food at Meg's face, who screeched in disgust.

"That's a terrible word!" exclaimed Lois. "Titty. Watch your mouth."

They watched the news. The main report was about a new restaurant that opened in town and did not allow Asians into it, which meant the Asian Reporter Trisha Takanawa, had to do her report from outside the restaurant. She tried to go inside and a busboy with a broom chased her out.

When it was bedtime, Artemis had to wear some of Chris pajamas, which were huge on him. He lay in the bed which smelled faintly and tried to sleep, wondering when No1 would wake up and realize what he had done.

The closet suddenly opened of its own accord. Artemis lifted is head and looked. A monkey will an evil smile pointed at him and shook angrily.

Artemis grabbed a textbook off the bedside table and threw it at the monkey. The monkey squawked angrily and retreated, closing the door.

Artemis lay awake; unnerved by the fact Chris had a crazy monkey living in his closet.

The door opened and Meg suddenly crept in.

"Hi, Artemis!" said Meg.

"What are you doing?" asked Artemis.

"Coming to you see, sweetie!"

"What did you just call me?" asked Artemis.

Meg got into bed next to Artemis, who sidled away.

"Now that were boyfriend and girlfriend, we should make love!" said Meg.

"What?!" yelled Artemis.

"But be gentle, I'm a virgin," said Meg.

"Get away from me!" said Artemis. "You're crazy!"

Meg was grabbing him and trying to pull his bottoms down. Artemis yelled for help.

The door opened. Lois stood there.

"Again, Meg?" she asked. "Another unhealthy obsession?"

Brian was there with a blow dart. A dart suddenly hit Meg in the neck and she passed out, drooling.

"Sorry about the inconvience," said Lois, dragging her daughter's inert body out. "Don't worry, the effects of the dart only last a couple of minutes. She'll be fine."

"You can go back to sleep, now," said Brian.

They left and Artemis heard banging and yelling from downstairs. Peter was home from the Clam, and drunk.

Artemis closed his eyes and tried to sleep. He had almost drifted off entirely when he felt something in the bed next to him.

He tried to say something, but a hand closed over his mouth.

"No need to say anything," said Peter's voice. "Just let me do all the work!"

Peter's other hand began to creep down Artemis's body. Artemis tried to yell but couldn't and began to struggle.

Peter giggled, drunkenly. "Such a nice, thin body, and thighs, and penis-holy crap, you're a man."

Peter leapt from the bed. "Uh, s-sorry," he slurred. "Thought you were Lois."

"WHAT THE HELL!?" Artemis yelled at him, shocked that he'd just been felt up by a man.

Peter stumbled out and a few minutes later Artemis heard Meg scream from her room and Peter's drunken apologizing as he stumbled back into the hall. Then he heard crashing and assumed Peter had fallen down the stairs. More noise and Peter made his way back up and finally made it to his own room.

"Come here, Lois, so I can plow you."

Artemis's door opened again.

"Someone else come to molest me?!" Artemis yelled at the figure.

"Can I crash here?" asked Brian. "Peter and Lois are banging, and I'd rather not be around."

"Oh, yeah," said Artemis.

Brian curled up at the foot of the bed.

Artemis finally managed to get to sleep. He awoke in the morning to find the Evil Monkey snuggled next to him. He yelled and the Monkey screamed and ran back to the closet. It pointed at him angrily and then shut the closet door.

At breakfast, Peter seemed to have no memory that he'd almost molested his houseguest and daughter.

"He get you?" asked Stewie.

"Yeah," said Artemis.

"Happened to all of us at one point," said Stewie. "Fat man needs to stop drinking. I woke up one time sucking his teat when he was going through a feminine phase and tried to breast feed me,"

Artemis almost choked on his eggs and bacon.

In the real world, Holly accidentally flung her hand over on the remote and hit the channel button.

Artemis, in the Family Guy world, suddenly found himself in a different cartoon world. A man with a big chin and a blue suit came out of his house.

"TERROIST!" he shouted, drawing a gun.

"Dad, no!" said a boy with glasses.

"Oooh, a terrorist?" said a strange person coming out. He was clearly a gray alien dressed in a woman's costume, complete with a wig. "He's a hot one. Ooh! We should tie him up and I'll bang him for information to save our country."

Artemis actually screamed.

He was going to get raped by an alien!

In the real world, Holly knocked the remote off the couch, causing the channel button to get hit again.

Artemis realized he was sitting on a couch next to what appeared to be a robot.

"Where'd you come from?" asked the robot. "Eh, never mind." It poured an entire bottle of beer into its mouth.

Artemis realized in he was in some show called Futurama. Holly had made him watch it before.

He was angry. Somehow he was getting flipped around through different TV shows, and he didn't know how to get out.

Fry came into the room, drinking a can of Slurm. "Who's that?"

"My new buddy," said Bender.

"Uh, hi," said Artemis.

Leela came in. "Bender did you drink the last of the beer!? Didn't you think to save some for anybody else?"

"Bite my shiny metal ass!" yelled Bender, throwing his bottle across the room.

Amy came into the room, followed by her parents.

"Why you no have boyfriend? Why you no make grandkids for us?" They were asking Amy this who looked annoyed.

Amy looked around desperately and seen Artemis sitting on the couch. "This is my new boyfriend!" She sat on the arm and hugged Artemis.

"Whaaa-?" asked Artemis.

Amy's parents looked at Artemis critically. "Is he smart?"

Artemis looked at them scathingly and rattled off the degrees he had.

"Harvard law school does not even exist anymore," said Amy's mother.

The father looked awed. "He must be really smart to have degree from college that does not even exist anymore."

"We accept," said Amy's mom. "Now marry my daughter and make me dozen grandchildren! Before you marry, you must jizz in this cup so I can send to doctor and make sure you have good seed for grandchildren."

Before Artemis could full comprehend that someone had just asked him to "jizz" in a cup, the world changed again.

No1 had bumped the channel button with his elbow.

Artemis reappeared in the previous world. He was in an attic and the gray alien was there, no costume on.

"Ohh, your back!" it shouted. "Let's have hot monkey sex all over the room!"

Artemis, for the second time in his life, screamed in terror.

To be continued...maaaaybe.


	14. Artemis and Holly in Jackass!

**Artemis and Holly in...Jackass!**

** Characters will probably be a bit OC.**

** I don't own Artemis Fowl or Jackass.**

** And sort of just like the disclaimer says on the Jackass movie box, this is done by professionals (imarginary ones in a book in this case), so none of you nor your dumb little buddies try any of these stunts!**

Holly was visiting Artemis Fowl and was watching Mud Man TV in the living room while Artemis was busy doing phone calls upstairs.

He came down. "I'm finished. So what do you want to do today?"

"Profess my undying love and say screw society who says we can't be together!"

"What?"

"I mean, I mean, uh, lets play Jackass!"

Artemis scrunched his face up. "Ugh, I've seen that show, it's so dumb! All that kicking each other in the balls, flying off roofs in shopping carts, its so ridiculous and-"

"I want to do the shopping cart one!" said Holly.

"Uhhhhgh. No, Holly, please."

"Come on, we could put it on You tube and Metube, the Haven version! Pleeeeeaaseee!"

She batted her eyes.

"Whats it in for me?" asked Artemis.

"Well, what do you want?"

Artemis thought. "All right we'll do it, but let me think about what I want."

"Okay, cool."

They had Butler filch a shopping cart from a supermarket and get a video camera.

"Artemis, I can't believe you're doing this."

"Niether can I."

They spent some times shoving eachother down hills, one riding in the cart while Butler filmed, as practice.

Then Holly flew it them to the roof and Butler stood on the ground, shouting for them to be careful.

"I don't think this is safe..."

"Now say your line," said Holly.

"I don't wanna! You do it!"

"SAY IT!"

Artemis sighed. "My name is Artemis Fowl and this Fowl Shopping Cart Ride."

Holly took off running along the slanted side of the roof, pushing the cart as fast as possible. She had rigged her moonbelt to it to make the landing softer. Just before they went off the edge, she jumped in and the cart went sailing off, made lighter.

"WHEEEE!" shouted Holly.

"AAAARRGH! I mean, wheeee..."

The shopping cart still landed pretty hard (Holly had to turn the setting down so they wouldn't bounce off the ground).

"Got it," shouted Butler.

"That was awesome!" shouted Holly. "Now what shall we do next? Burn a brand of a dick image on your butt cheek?"

"NO!"

"They did it in one of the movies..."

"NO!"

Holly's next idea was to ride a bike off the roof and land on a trampoline.

Holly did it first, landing on the trampoline and letting go of the bike as she bounced up. She managed to land on her feet while the bike clunked on the grass several feet away.

"Oh, yeah, I rock..."

Artemis groaned, knowing he had to do it, but he was beginning to have an idea of what he wanted from Holly in the end, so he had to do it.

He rode the bike along the roof and flew off. Everything seemed to go in slow motion as he flew toward the trampoline. He flipped in midair (not even meaning too) and accidentally let go of the handles, flipped again and landed hard on the trampoline. The bike landed a couple feet away and bounced off. Artemis bounced a couple of times and then remained on is back.

"HOLY SHIT! THAT WAS FRICKING EPIC!" shouted Holly. "The flips and-"

"I did that by accident," said Artemis, shakily crawling off the trampoline.

"Metube and Youtube will love that!" shouted Holly.

Later, Butler aimed the camera at himself.

"My name is Butler and this is my dumb principle and his unrequited love, doing Roof Waterslide."

An extremely long waterslide tarp had been stretched from the roof, down to the ground and long the grass for a good long ways. A hose was on the roof sending a steady stream of water down the tarp.

The only thing about this (for Artemis) was Holly was wearing a bikini, nicked from Juliets room. It was the type where the top and bottom tie on with strings, so it could be adjusted to almost any size. Artemis, not wanting to ruin a suit, was wearing swimming trunks.

"Will this support my weight?" asked Artemis, poised to slide down.

"Of course," said Holly. "Oh, and did I mention I covered the whole thing with loads of baby oil to make it more slick?"

"Wait-what?!"

"Have fun!"

Holly shoved Artemis who went flying down the slope of the roof, and down the tarp on his way to the ground.

He was going so fast, he was sure he would have butt burn. The tarp went to the ground and he zipped along, flailing.

The end of the tarp went up a little ramp of wood Holly had slapped together. Artemis flew up into the air and then landed in a mud patch Butler had been forced to dig up and make.

"Oof!"

He landed in the thick mud and got up and stumbled to the side to watch Holly.

Holly shouted from the top and threw herself off. She sped along the oiled tarp, managing to go faster that Artemis even. She zipped along the ground up the ramp and into the mud.

"WHOOOO!" shouted Holly, jumping up and raising her arms.

To Artemis's delight, Butlers embarrasment, and Holly's mortification, her top had completely came undone and off, and she was completely exposed, except for the some mud that was covering the nipple area, like pasties.

"STOP FILMING!" shrieked Holly, trying to cover herself up with one arm and dig for top with the other.

One facesmack later (from staring too long) Artemis found himself and Holly on the twins little bikes.

Beckett had begged for a half pipe for his birthday, so he could play on it with his skateboard and bike. Holly and Artemis were going to do tricks on it.

The bikes were BMX bikes (Myles was little used) and for Holly, they were the right size, but they were a bit too small for Artemis.

Holly started going up and down, managing to do little flips and twirls. She tried to do a double flip and wiped out on the side, brusing herself pretty badly, but her magic healed it.

Artemis sighed at the top, getting ready.

"You are really making my job my hard, putting yourself in such harm," growled Butler, holding the camera.

Artemsi grimaced. "My name is Artemis Fowl and and this Half Wit Half Tube Wipeout."

He pedaled and got the bike going. Down he went and then up. He tried to do a twirl, failed miserably and realized the bike had flown out from underneath himself. He landed right on the edge, balls first.

"My...nutsack..."

Holly busted out laughing while Artemis tipped and slid down to the middle, where he remained for a good ten minutes, in the fetal position.

Walking bowlegged, Holly giggling the whole time, they made their way to the house where Holly had some snowboards. They were to slid down the banister on them. Shouldn't be too hard right? It was a matter of balance and speed.

Well, lets just say Holly did fine, but Artemis slid off the railing and onto the stairs themselves and ended up rolling the rest of the (bumpy) way down.

Then Butler was holding the camera in front of the two.

Holly smiled big. "My name is Holly Short and this Potshot on the Nuts!"

"Whats that-? OW!"

Holly got a good kick in to Artemis's nuts.

"I almost wish you had nuts Holly, so I could kick you back!"

Finally after Artemis was over the pain, he stood up and looked at Holly.

"Alright, I did your dumb show, now I know what I want."

"What?" asked Holly, standing there in shorts and a T-shirt (too big really, since they were borrowed from Juliet).

Artemis smiled at the camera.

"My name is Artemis Fowl and this Funbag Grab!"

He quickly reached for Holly's boobs and gave each a good quick squeeze.

"Honk, honk," said Artemis.

Artemis found himself on the floor, for a third, time, in the fetal position. So much abuse to his bobbly bits, he would probably never be able to have kids now...


	15. Artemis Ends Up In TV II

**Artemis Fowl In TV Part II**

** It leaves off from Artemis Fowl being in American Dad.**

Artemis Fowl was horrified. He was tied to a chair while the gray alien, who said his name was Rodger, was wearing some of doctor get up. Music was playing from a radio and Rodger was dancing around, holding a scapel.

"Gonna party like its 1999!" sang Rodger, waving the scapel around. "Yeah, gonna party like were cutting out you liverrrr, to sell on the blaaaack mar-ar-ket!"

Artemis tried to scream for help but couldn't through the gag. If he got out of here alive, he would kill No1 for putting him in the TV shows.

Suddenly a black haired girl and a brown haired boy with glasses came into the room. The girl had a belly button ring and a head band.

"RODGER!" shouted the girl. "Are you trying to cut his liver out?"

"For the black market yes," said Rodger. "I plan to use the money to buy myself some more wigs."

"You can't do that!" said the boy.

"Butt out Hailey and Steve!" shouted Rodger.

Hailey untied Artemis and pulled the gag off. "Who are you?"

"Uh, Artemis Fowl the II," said Artemis.

"Why are you at our house?" asked Steve. "Do you know my Dad or something?"

"No," said Artemis. He figured the amnesia trick would work again. "I can't remember anything. I don't know how I got here?"

"Well, you somehow snuck up here, because I turned around, and saw you, in all your sexy glory," said Rodger, clasping his hands. "Then I decided to cut your liver out because you wouldn't have hot monkey sex with me."

Artemis shivered at the memory, of him running around the room in terror, Rodger chasing. He wasn't the type to scream in terror normally, but an alien trying to rip his pants off to rape him seemed to have that effect. He was sure he'd have nightmares for weeks now.

Hailey and Steve took him downstairs and went to the kitchen and explained to there dad that there was a boy who had amnesia.

"Go see the boy, Stan, while I finish dinner," said a female voice.

Stan walked in, saw Artemis and pulled his gun out.

"It's the terrorist!"

"Dad! Stop it!"

"He's not a terroist!" said a german accented voice. Artemis looked on the coffee table and saw a fish talking.

"What are you looking at!" said the fish, shaking a fin.

"You can talk!" said Artemis.

"Yeah, they transplanted his brain," said Hailey. "They took it from his human body and put it in a fish."

"Ah," said Artemis. How interesting...He wondered if he could do that to someone.

"So you have amnesia?" asked Stan.

"Yes," lied Artemis, since he couldn't really tell them where he came from and only ended up here by accident, thanks to his demon friend. They would never believe that...then again, they had a talking fish, and an alien in the attic...still, better to just pretend he had no memory of anything.

"Well, maybe I could look you up in the CIA database later, see if I can find anything about you," said Stan. "Are you sure your not a terroist?"

"Uh, yeah, postitive," said Artemis.

Stan went into the kitchen and the kids left. A slighty ratty looking boy came in, with red eyes and offered Artemis a brownie.

Obviously it was a pot brownie, judging by the boys red eyes.

"No thanks," said Artemis.

"It'll make you feel awesome!" whispered the boy. "Wait, I was supposed to save this for Hailey." He began rambling on about some nonsense while eating it. Then he stared stupidely at his empty hands. "Wait a minute, wasn't I supposed to save this for someone?"

In the real world, the channel button was bumped again...

Artemis found himself back in Family Guy again.

"NOT AGAIN!" he yelled.

The worse part was that he was in a bath tub with someone else.

"Cleveland, you done yet?" a voice was yelling.

Cleveland was gapping at the new visitor in his tub.

"I just turned for some more soap and here you are?" he yelled. "What the heck? Can't a black guy take a bath in peace?"

Suddenly there was a great crash and the whole wall was torn out. Artemis realized it was by a giant wrecking ball. The floor tipped and the tub started to slide out.

"No. NO. NO! NOO!" Artemis and Cleveland both shouted as the tub slid from the second story to the yard. The tub broke and Artemis and Cleveland were left sitting in the broken remains.

"PETER!" shouted Cleveland.

Artemis got up and ran away. Peter was playing with a giant wrecking ball.

"Now, Chris, the only way you'll ever play baseball successfully is to learn to hit the biggest of them all!" The wrecking ball flew toward Chris.

"But, dad, I don't think I want to play baseball-ooff!"

Chris went flying into Quagmires yard, toward the garage, crashing into the closed garage door. It broke and a bunch of Japanese girls in bikines suddenly came running out.

"NO! WHAT THE HECK MAN!" Quagmire came running out, wearing nothing but a furry thong.

Artemis ran into Peters house, hoping to be safe from the wrecking ball there.

"You came back!" a voice trilled.

Meg came running back to Artemis, arms open wide.

"Ugh," moaned Artemis.

"Oh, hi," said Lois, heading outside. "PETER! WHY IS IT EVERYTIME I STEP OUTSIDE, YOU'VE GOTTEN AHOLD OF GIANT MACHINE OR SOMETHING YOU SHOULDN'T HAV-OOW!"

Artemis saw Lois go sailing past the window, having been hit by the wrecking ball.

Artemis hid in Chris's room until he was sure the wrecking ball fiasco was over. After fighting off the evil monkey who tried to attack him, he went downstairs, where Brian was.

"Oh, hey Artemis, I was wondering where you went. Joe is still looking for records or anything about you."

"Oh thanks," said Artemis.

"Victory is mine!" shouted a voice.

Artemis ducked just in time as a laser beam shot over his head. Stewie was standing on the stairs holding his ray gun.

Meg came rushing downstairs and bumped into Stewie, who dropped and broke his gun.

"BLAST!"

Artemis sighed and plopped on the couch next to Brian, who offered him a Martini.

"No thanks," said Artemis. He needed to think. He had to get out of TV. Somehow he was being switched from TV show to tv show.

What Artemis didn't know, was that about now the twins, unable to sleep, decided to come into the playroom and watch TV...

**In the real world:**

Beckett and Myles ignored No1 and Holly, who were passed out cold, sleeping.

"Look, Artemis is in TV!' said Myles. "It looks just like him! No1 must have done it with his magic! He was telling me earlier that he thought it would be interesting if he could put people into TV show worlds."

Beckett grabbed the remote and changed the channel.

The Terminator was on. In the the TV world, Artemis found himself running with some woman from a robot man who seemed intent on killing them. He had emerged from fire, and his red eyes were glowing as he chased them.

"SHIT!" shouted Artemis.

"Hi, Arty!' whispered Beckett frantically waving at the TV screen.

"He can't see or hear you, you dummy," said Myles. "But I have a lot of my favorite shows on DVR, so I think we should play around and put Artemis in some of them!"

The twins giggled mischievously.

Next thing, Artemis found himself in a large hall filled with young eleven year old looking kids in a line. There was a Great Table with several people, including a man with a long beard and robes and a hat with stars all over it. The other tables were filled with people wearing robes.

"Oh, man, not the Harry Potter movies..." moaned Artemis.


	16. Artemis in TV III

**Artemis in Tv III**

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed on my little collection of one shots, and favorited or followed it. It means a lot to me!**

Artemis had been forced to watch Harry Potter by the twins before. They loved the movies, even though Angeline worried they might be a little bit too violent of someone their age.

He knew what was going on. This must be the Sorting Ceremony.

There was one kid ahead of him. The hat announced "HUFFLEPUFF!" and the kid went to his cheering table, blushing a bit.

Professor McGonagall was looking at Artemis, who was not in school attire and looking at her list.

"You, boy, what's your name?"

"Artemis Fowl."

"You are not on my list. I think must have been a mistake." She went to the head table and spent some time whispering to Dumbledore who whispered something to her. She came back.

"You must have somehow not gotten onto my list, but you can come up and get sorted."

Artemis assumed that Professor McGonagall thought there had simply been a mistake in the list for Sorting, because how else would Artemis be here? He must have gotten a letter to come to this school. She didn't comment on the fact that he looked too old to be here.

He sat on the stool and put the hat on his head.

"_Hmm, very brave brainy, Ravenclaw might be a good choice, then again you are cunning as well, Slytherin, perhaps…?"_

_ "Not Slytherin," _whispered Artemis, not wishing to be put in the same house as that Malfoy kid. Then Artemis realized he was whispering the same thing Harry Potter had in the first movie. He shut his mouth.

"_No? Not Slytherin, eh? Hmm. You are also very brave it seems."_

_ "How about Gryffindor?"_

_ "Gryffindor? You would fit the mark. Very well."_

"GRYFINDOR!"

Artemis got off the stool and went to the table that was cheering.

**The Real World.**

"This is so cool!" said Beckett, watching.

"I wonder how he would affect things as the show progresses," said Myles. "Perhaps with him being a real person in there, it would change the outcome of the movie, since the regular rules don't seem to apply. Eh, well, let's see what happens when I do this!"

He grinned evilly and pointed the remote at the screen-and pressed the fast forward button.

"Thank goodness for DVRing shows," said Beckett.

**Harry Potter**

Artemis suddenly realized everything was going fast.

He went ate dinner, talked, went to bed, got up. Everything was happening superfast. He went through the movie superfast until he got to the end and for some reason it stopped and he found himself with Harry fighting Professor Quirell. Everything had happened so fast, he couldn't remember the events leading up to here very well. He was pretty sure Harry had gone alone to fight Quirell. Perhaps him being in the movie changed events. He couldn't dwell on too much as Harry was pressing his hands on Quirrels face, who was screaming and trying to fight Harry off. Quirell's face was being burned. Harry was yelling something. Artemis remembered this part, as Quirell, being used as a vessel for Voldemort, couldn't touch Harry without being burned.

"Well, I'll just sit back and let you do your thing!" shouted Artemis to Harry. "You look like you have it under control!"

**Real World.**

"Ooo! Ooo!" Beckett bounced on the couch a bit. "Put him in second movie!"

Myles complied and went to the DVR list and resumed the playback. He had been watching it earlier and had stopped just as a Quidditch match was about to start.

They watched the events.

"Look, him being in it, changed the movie somehow. He is now on the Quidditch team, despite him not knowing how to fly a broomstick..." Myles giggled a bit.

**Harry Potter**

Artemis suddenly found himself on a broomstick, with no way of knowing how to fly it. He didn't even know what position he was playing.

He swerved to avoid a girl holding a large red ball under her arm as she flew toward three gold rings at one end of the field.

The next thing he knew, he was spinning out of control toward the stands. He got a glimpse of some horrified faces of students before he crashed into them.

He fell in a tangle of legs and arms and hit his head on something. The last thing he heard was a cry of "MY BUM!"

He awoke in the hospital wing and sat up with a start. Madame Pomphrey came over to see how he was doing.

"Well, you seem all right. You're lucky you're not that other kid. Somehow, when you crashed, the handle of your broomstick went up some poor boys bum. I don't think he'll ever be the same."

Artemis's jaw dropped. The curtain was open and he could see the bed next to him. A boy was sitting up in bed on a donut pillow.

"You butt molested me with your broom!" the boy spat out. "Why the heck you playing if you can't even fly right?"

"Uh, I-" begin Artemis.

**Real World**

"Put him that Jersey Shore show with Snooki!" said Beckett.

"You did not tape Jersey Shore." Myles narrowed his eyes.

"That show is hilarious!" said Beckett. "The people are so weird!"

Myles groaned.

**Jersey Shore**

Artemis found himself in front of a girl with too much makeup, her clothes were too tight, and she had a massive hair bump (was that what they called it? He didn't understand the styles of hair some women wore.)

She was holding a margarita glass big enough for a troll to drink out of.

"Where you come from?" she asked. "Why are you so pale? You know, there is a great tanning salon down the street-"

**Real World**

"No more of this," said Myles. "This show is dumb."

"But I liiiike it-"

"No!" said Myles. "Let's do Pokemon!"

**Pokemon**

Artemis found himself in the middle of a field where a black haired boy was ordering a yellow creature to do Thunderbolt.

"Pika!"

"Ekanssss!"

A snake was facing the yellow thing.

"PIIIKAAAACHUUUUU!"

"Not Pokemo-AAARGGGH!"

The Thunderbolt hit him.

"Pikachu! Watch it!"

But Pikachu was throwing out Thunderbolts like there was no tomorrow. Several hit the Ekans and his trainers but several hit Artemis as well. He lay in a smoldering heap, thinking there may not be a tomorrow for him.

"TEAMS ROCKETS BLASTING OFF AGAAAAAIIINN!"

"Hey, mister, are you okay?"

"Ugggh…" Artemis managed to get out.

"Get a potion!"

"Those are for Pokemon!"

"It might work…"

"I'll look in my bag."

"Togi! Togi! Togi! Togi!"

A Pokemon that seemed to have most of its body still stuck in an egg was sitting on chest, waving its little arms back and forth.

Suddenly he felt fine and he sat up.

"Togepi!" The Togepi scampered toward an orange haired girl digging through a pack.

"I can't find it-oh, I guess you don't it."

"I think I'm okay," said Artemis. "Your Togepi healed me."

"Togepi's a baby!" said the girl. "He can't do anything yet."

"Well, it said 'togi' over me a few times, it's arms glowed, and now I'm fine."

"No, no, it must have been your imagination."

Artemis had watched Pokemon before (under threat of death from Myles and Beckett) so he knew how the show worked. Togepi always seemed to be able to use Metronome at the right time when the group was in some dire circumstance, although the group never seemed to figure it out. Dense.

**Real World**

The Twins were laughing so hard at Artemis getting attacked by Pikachu, they woke up Holly.

"What are you-it's late, go to bed," she mumbled. "Where's Artemis?"

The twins explained everything.

"No1 needs to get him out," said Beckett.

"Well, hang on a minute," said Holly, reaching for the remote. "This is too good to pass up." She flicked through the DVR list. "Let's put him in-"

**Next TV Show**

Artemis was getting seriously annoyed being put in random shows.

Now he in a different cartoon that seemed to be made of cut out characters running around.

Two boys were fighting on a playground.

"Give me your Jew gold! I need it to buy more Hot Pockets! I know all Jews have a bag of Jew gold around their neck!"

"Get off me you fatass! I don't have any Jew Gold!"

"Give it to me! I need to the fattening bliss of Hot pockets in my belly!"

"Get off me Cartman!"

Artemis groaned.

South Park...


	17. The Dementors Kiss

The Dementor's Kiss

**This is set in the third year, but doesn't really correlate too much with the books or the movie. It's just a spoof.**

The two Dementors floated along the grounds miserable.

"I am, like, sooo depressed," moaned the first, whose name was Razorblade.

"You're telling me man. Life sucks. Then you die." Razorblades friend, Poison, nodded his cloaked head.

They wafted about, looking menacing, in case the known criminal, Sirius Black, came to Hogwarts.

"I hate my life," moaned Poison.

"I should just end it all now," said Razorblade.

"Shut up, you're making me more depressed," said Poison.

They got a little too far into the school grounds, and noticed three teens walking through the gloom, chatting.

Poison sighed. "The one with the glasses is so hoooot."

Razorblade gazed dreamily at the fluffy haired girl. "She's a babe."

The teens looked troubled as they walked.

"It's gotten chilly," said Harry.

"What do you mean?" asked Ron. "It's England, it's always chilly. And rainy. And gloomy. And misty. And-"

"Okay, chill_ier_," said Harry. "I feel miserable."

"I may never be happy again!" wailed Ron.

The two Dementors suddenly popped out from behind a bush.

"Wow, it's Harry Potter!" groaned Poison. "Ohhh, lemme give you a kiss!"

"Poison! No! You're being too forward again! Remember what happened to the last guy-"

But Poison grabbed Harry (who shrieked in utter terror) and planted a kiss on him.

"Get off him!" Hermione was screaming, while Ron fainted on the ground in horror.

Harry wanted to throw up. The kiss was sloppy, slimy, and the Dementors breathe smelled like socks that had been worn for a fortnight and then buried in the cat's poo box.

Poison finally released Harry.

"Hey, you're not dead," said Hermione. "I mean, I thought the Dementors Kiss sucked your soul out."

"Uh, I'm still fine, just-that was-awf-arrrrggh!"

Harry vomited up that mornings pumpkin juice and oatmeal.

Poison started sobbing. "Nobody likes meeeee!"

Razorblade started sidling up to Hermione. "Um, hi, do you live around here?" Hermione backed away.

"You just kissed me!" said Harry. "What the heck? Dementors are dudes! I like _girls, _not guys."

Poison was moaning about going back home to Azkaban to do some wrist cutting. "-and then-wait, what? I am a girl."

The teens stared. "You're a-girl?"

Poison yanked her ragged robes straight. "What do you mean? Of course I'm a girl! It's soooo obvious!"

Poison didn't exactly have any distinguishing "girl" features on her body. The teens just looked at each other.

"I'm a boy," said Razorblade, raising a bony hand. "Just to clarify, you know."

"I-I'm sorry," mumbled Harry. "But please don't smooch me again. And can you go away, your both making us feel miserable."

"You're sucking all the happiness out of the air," moaned Ron from the ground.

Poison started sobbing. "We can't heeeelppp it! We're all just so miserable! Everything just sucks so much!" she fumbled with a spiked bracelet she was wearing (from Hot Topic). "Ever since my boyfriend snubbed me, I got turned into this…"

"Wait, you weren't always a Dementor?" asked Harry.

"Uh, duh…" Poison sighed.

Razorblade pulled his sleeves down more. "We used to be different, but something made us depressed and then eventually we turned into these things. And that stuff about us sucking souls out is total nonsense. It's just most people get too traumatized after being smooched by one of us, so they kind of just freeze up and go dumb."

"Well, why don't we just change you back?" asked Hermione. "Were you a human before? Or a goblin, or a hippogriff or-"

"We can't remember," groaned Poison. "We're so depressed, we lost our memories."

"How convenient," muttered Ron.

"Well, I'll just change you back," said Hermione, pulling her wand out."

Harry looked at her. "How? That sounds like advanced magic, nothing us 3rd years would know."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "It's so easy. You just think of some words that would relate to your problem and a fancy new ending. Like petrificius totalius, is total petrifrication, the person freezes up. So you just think of some fancy word and add a fancy ending, or say it in Latin, to add some more pizzazz." She faced the Dementors. "Goius backius toius theius wayius youius wereius!"

The Dementors became cloaked in sparkles and light. The sparkles began swirling, covering the two Dementors completely. Finally, the sparkles and light vanished, revealing-

"Magic ponies?" said Harry.

Poison was a green pony with a blue made and Razorblade was pink with a spiked purple mane.

Poison ran in a circle. "I remember now! We were all ponies! Magic ponies!" she proceeded to fart out sparkly dust.

"Aw, crap, I forgot I was colored like a girl," said Razorblade.

"Um." Hermione, for once, was at a loss for words.

"That is so awesome!" said Ron. "I was afraid you would turn into spiders…"

"You must free all the Dementors!" said Poison. "So they can be happy too!"

"But Azkaban won't have any guards-"

Poison flapped a hoof. "We can still guard the prison."

Later, all the Dementors were turned back into happy, colorful ponies. They remained guards in Azkaban.

Many prisoners thought it would be great. No more having the happiness sucked out of you, no more being lost in your depressing thoughts, it seemed great.

Until the prisoners learned that the new punishment would mean being strapped to a chair for five hours a day and forced to watch episodes of Lala Loopsy and My Little Pony, while their pony guards laughed and clapped at the misery of the prisoners, and crapped out rainbows as they did so.

**The End.**


End file.
